Encoder
by pinkhairdontcare
Summary: A/U. Sequel to "Riot Machine." Lightning has seized the chance to start over again, but remnants of her old life still follow her - even to the far reaches of Pulse. Rated for mature themes and language.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Encoder

**Rating: **MA for language, mature themes, etc.

**Summary:** A/U. Sequel to "Riot Machine." Lightning has seized the chance to start over again, but remnants of her old life still follow her - even to the far reaches of Pulse.

**About the setting:** For those who haven't read the first part of this story, the setting might be a little confusing. It takes place in a modern day universe much like our own, completely separate from the game. Pulse and Cocoon are their own countries on the planet that were at war for awhile, though currently Cocoon only occupies one military base at Yaschas Massif. All the locations from the game (Sun'leth, Eden, Oerba, etc) are cities/towns. While Riot Machine took place entirely on Cocoon, Encoder will be taking place solely on Pulse. Other than that, I'm not going to be dumping a whole lot of exposition into this story, and if you haven't read Riot Machine it might be a little confusing at first. It all ties together as the story goes on.

**Notes:** Starting a new story finally. I'm excited to work on it after planning it in my head for so long, though I was actually a bit hesitant to post this. Thanks for taking a look and I hope those who have already read RM like the sequel just as much!

**Chapter One**

The timing could not be worse.

As Lightning glanced in the rear view mirror to see the flashing lights of the unmarked police car that was tailing her, she suppressed a wave of nausea. All she wanted was to get home and curl up in bed. She had been sick all week, but today it had finally been bad enough that her supervisor had sent her home from the jewelry store she worked at.

It had been three months since she'd made the impulsive, albeit necessary, move to Oerba, Pulse from Cocoon. In that span of time she had managed to find a place to live, land a job with a steady income, and lease a vehicle - a considerable step up from her situation in Eden. She wasn't rich by any means, but it was enough.

She still wasn't sure if she wholly enjoyed it. The independence and self-sufficiency, yes, but other things…

_Hope._

She missed him more than she had reckoned.

Their relationship in limbo, they still had yet to decide how to make it work, or even if they would. They had come to the agreement that they would wait a year, and if the time and distance hadn't cooled their heels, then they would attempt something in earnest. Lightning knew, however, that it was a lot for Hope to give up. In the end, he would be making the big sacrifice to move a thousand miles across the ocean to be with her, giving up his job, home and support system in the process. But Lightning could never return to Cocoon.

If it wasn't for Hope, she wouldn't have ever considered returning, even if she could. She had nothing there anymore: no future, not even family. With Serah gone, all that remained was Snow, and he certainly wasn't enough make her homesick - though she did wonder now and then how he was doing.

The officer tapped on the window. Lightning rolled it down and glowered up at him, swallowing back the sour taste of bile that had been present in her mouth all day. He stared back with impassive blue eyes, pushing his shaggy brown hair out of his face. He was young - probably around her own age. He wasn't wearing a typical uniform; instead, he wore a windbreaker with his badge pinned to the front and jeans.

He flashed his ID. "Afternoon. You know why I'm pulling you over?" He didn't have a Pulse accent, which would've piqued Lightning's curiosity on a good day. She opted to remain silent, in part to avoid making a snide comment, but mostly because she was sure throwing up on a cop would not get her out of a ticket.

"You ran a red light at the intersection back there," he continued, hooking a thumb behind him. "I nearly t-boned you. I'm going to need to see your license and..." He gave her a strange look. "Are you alright, ma'am?"

Lightning could contain it no more. Throwing the door open and causing the officer to stagger back, she leaned outside of the vehicle and proceeded to vomit into the road. She emptied the meager contents of her stomach until she dry-heaved.

"I'll be right back," the cop said, jogging back to his car. Lightning pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to catch her breath.

She heard the footsteps as the officer returned. "Here," he said. She lifted her head to see him offering a water bottle. She accepted it, unscrewing the lid and taking a long swig. After she rinsed her mouth, she pressed the cool plastic to the side of her face.

"Sorry," she told him. "I'm just trying to get home."

"I can see that," the officer replied, bemused. "How about this. Let me escort you home and we'll forget the ticket for today."

"I'll be fine. It's not far from here."

He shook his head. "Look, I could still be a jackass and fine you anyway. So for my peace of mind…"

"Okay, fine," Lightning interrupted. "Let's just go."

With the officer following her, she made her cautious way to her apartment building, feeling worse with every block she passed. By the time she parked, a fine sweat bathed her body, and her head was pounding. She got out of her sedan, gripping the door to keep herself upright.

"You sure you're okay?" the cop fretted, assisting her out of the vehicle. Lightning repressed the urge to bat his hands away. She suspected that without his support, she would've fallen over anyway. "Which floor do you live on? I'll help you."

"Third," she managed, the nausea welling up within her once more.

He helped her navigate the stairwell. "You know," he said with a small smile, "we're neighbors."

Once they reached Lightning's unit, he helped her sit down on the couch. She doubled over, clutching her throbbing head.

"Can I get you something?" he asked. "Water, medicine?"

As loathe as she was to accept any more assistance from him than she already had, she nodded slightly. "Water. I don't have any medicine."

She heard him flip open a few cabinets as he hunted for a glass, then the sound of water running as he filled it up. He came back into the living room and handed it to her. As she sipped the water, the urge to vomit abated.

"Thank you," she said, trying to sound sincere. "I'll be fine. I won't take up any more of your time."

"It's no problem," the officer said. "Once I'm off work, I can come check on you again. I mean, if you want. I only live a couple of doors down from you."

"It's not necessary," she argued. "I'll live."

"Don't worry about it. I'll bring you something for your stomach, since you said you don't have any." He shifted on his feet. "By the way, I'm Noel Kreiss." He gave her a generous smile. "And you're…?" He laughed. "We were, ah, interrupted before I could get your ID."

"Lightning. Farron."

Something passed over Noel's face: a mix of emotions so complex that Lightning couldn't discern what, exactly, they were.

"Lightning. Cool," he said, recovering gracefully. "Well then, I'll be back in a few, like I said."

"Fine." She cleared her throat. "Well, thanks again, officer."

"Just Noel," he corrected. With that, he stepped out.

As soon as the door shut, she dashed to the bathroom, kicking off her heels as she went. She coughed over the toilet, but there was nothing left to throw up. Sighing, she pressed her forehead to the cool porcelain.

She couldn't remember the last time she was truly ill. Colds came and went; when she had first arrived in Pulse, she'd succumbed to a bad head cold, but it had passed in a matter of days, and it hadn't been severe enough to keep her bedridden.

It was times like this that, more than anything, she wished Hope was with her. She hadn't realized how accustomed she had become to his presence until he wasn't around anymore. And even though it had already been a few months, she still wasn't entirely used to an empty house.

"This sucks," she whispered to herself.

Hauling herself to her feet, she left the bathroom, plucking her cell phone off of the coffee table as she walked onto the balcony. Waves lapped at the shore below, and in the distance a train rumbled across the enormous bridge that spanned the waters. PSICOM and Sanctum may have spread their propaganda and convinced the citizens that Pulse was hell, but anyone who had actually visited the country would know otherwise. She discovered that for herself the first time she had been deployed here.

She checked the time on her phone before dialing Hope's office number. It had taken her a while to get used to the time difference. The first few times she had called, it had been in the dead of night and woken him up. As it rang, she sat down on one of the deck chairs, rubbing her head.

"Hey, you," he greeted when she picked up.

Lightning smiled. "Hey yourself," she replied. "What are you up to?"

"I just got to the office," he said. "What about you? You're not at work?"

"Got sent home."

"Why?" He sounded somewhat alarmed. "What did you do?"

"Threw up on a customer."

"You didn't." His tone was amused now.

"No," Lightning admitted. "I am sick though. My boss sent me home."

"Again? That sucks," Hope answered. "I'm sorry. I hope you feel better."

"Yeah."

"Listen, I don't mean to cut this call short, but..."

"Yeah," Lightning said again. "No problem. I'm sorry to call you first thing. I just…"

"Light." She could hear the affection in Hope's voice. "I know. Believe me."

She smiled slightly. "I miss you."

"I miss you too," he said. "A lot. I'll talk to you later, okay? I've just got twelve files to review by lunch."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll get off the phone," she said. "See you."

"Bye. Feel better." He hung up.

Shutting her phone, she went back into the house and into her bedroom to change into more comfortable attire. She drew the blinds and slid into bed, pulling the covers over her head and wondering, not for the first time, if things really were going to work out with Hope.

_Is he pulling away?_

She knew she should want that for him. Want him to move on and consider her and everything that happened in the last few months a particularly dark chapter in his life.

Deep down in her heart, though, she didn't.

After napping for a few hours, she entirely forgot Noel's promise to check up on her. Upon seeing him through the peephole in the door after he knocked, she considered not letting him in. He knew she would be home, though, and she didn't want him breaking down the door just to make sure she was okay. He seemed like that kind of guy.

Lightning pulled on a pair of jeans and ran a brush through her disheveled curls before finally letting him in. He held a plastic shopping bag in his hands, the name of a local drug store emblazoned across it.

"As promised," he said, producing a bottle of thick pink liquid. "Just an antiemetic. Hopefully that'll settle your stomach."

"Thanks."

"Are you feeling any better?" he asked.

"Yeah, a bit," she said, sitting down at the bar and pouring the medicine in the little plastic measuring cup it came with. The fruity smell of it was enough to churn her stomach again. She knocked it back, trying to swallow without tasting it.

"I got you some orange juice, too. Supposed to make your immune system stronger, isn't it?"

"Noel, you didn't have to do all this for me," she said, giving him a strange look. "You don't even know me."

Noel's shoulders hunched slightly. "Well, actually…" He turned to face her.

Before he could continue, Lightning vomited once again, wretching violently. A small amount of emesis splattered against the tile floor - pink medicine, streaked with bright red blood. Lightning swallowed. Her throat was raw, and the movement was painful.

Noel stared in shock for a moment, then roused himself. "I'm taking you to the ER."

She shook her head.

"Seriously. You're puking blood for god's sake."

"That's a bit of an exaggeration." At worst, she figured that all the vomiting had irritated her esophagus enough to make it bleed. Still, a doctor would be able to prescribe her medicine that actually worked to calm her stomach - and Pulse had free healthcare.

She tried to remember what Hope had said during one of their first phone calls since she had moved away. _Don't fight everyone so much. Make friends. You're stuck over there for good, might as well make the most of it._

The funny thing was, Lightning would have never had a relationship with Hope if she hadn't been so stubborn.

"Alright, I'll go."

"Good. I'll take you." Noel pulled his keys out of his pocket.

"I can take myself."

"Come on," he said, exasperated. "Let me help you."

She looked over at him and studied his face. "You always this persistent?"

He opened his mouth, then seemed to change his mind about what he was going to say. Shaking his head, he replied, "Look, I'm a cop. That's what cops do, you know? Help people." He laughed, though it sounded forced.

Lightning arched a brow, biting back a sarcastic retort. "Fine," she finally said. "Let's go, then."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

They sat waiting in the small exam room, Lightning cross-legged on the cot, Noel in a chair in the corner with his head on his hand and his eyes closed. It had been an hour since the nurse had examined her, hooked her up to an IV and drawn blood. They hadn't seen a soul since.

Oerba General was small; it could fit in the trauma ward at Eden's university medical center alone with room to spare. Still, it was well appointed and comfortable, and it was quite different from the hustle and bustle of a busy hospital.

"Is it always this quiet here?" she asked Noel.

He opened his eyes and glanced over at her. "Mostly, yeah," he answered. "Every time I've been here, anyway. But Oerba's not really a hub of activity itself. Pretty different from Eden U."

"So you _are_ from Cocoon."

"Yeah." Noel dropped his arm into his lap and lifted his head. "I came here after graduating."

Lightning made a noncommittal noise, fiddling with the tape on the back of her hand where the IV was inserted. The nausea had abated somewhat since they had arrived, but it hadn't gone away completely, and her throat was still sore.

"Wasn't really much for me back in Eden after high school," Noel continued.

"So you came here to Pulse, the land of opportunity," Lightning remarked, half-sarcastic.

"I could point out the same for you."

"My relocation was one of necessity."

"How's your sister doing?" Noel asked, watching her face.

Lightning's head snapped up. "What?"

"Serah."

"How the hell do you know Serah?"

Noel's wide mouth quirked, though it wasn't a happy smile. "You really don't remember me?" He sat up straighter, brushing an errant brown lock of hair out of his face. "We went to high school together. I was in Serah's grade." His expression became rueful. "You really don't remember me, do you? Didn't Serah…" He trailed off, but his gaze never left her face.

Lightning went through a mental catalog of the people she knew, but she couldn't place Noel at all. In fact, the only person she did remember from high school was Snow, and that was because Serah had dated (and eventually married) him.

She was about to inquire the exact nature of their relationship, but it was at that moment that the doctor walked in. She was tall, her skin a dark tan and her hair cascading auburn waves around her face. She held a clipboard in her hands and smiled at Lightning.

"Evening," she said in a charming Pulsian lilt. "I'm Dr. Bhakti. You're…" She consulted her chart. "Lightning Farron, is it? I've got your blood test results here. I just want to take a look at your throat first."

She pulled up a stool and had Lightning open her mouth. Examining her throat, she nodded briskly. "Esophagitis, as I thought. That explains the blood in your throw up. Your throat is very inflamed, most likely due to the prolonged vomiting. You have a small abrasion right in the back of your throat that I can see, but it's nothing serious."

"Is that it then? Do I just have a stomach bug?"

"Well, no. No stomach bug." She glanced at her chart again. "You're not sick at all, actually. You're pregnant."

The room fell quiet. All Lightning could hear was blood pounding in her ears. "Excuse me?" she finally said. She could feel Noel's gaze boring into the side of her face.

"Your test results show that you're pregnant, sweetheart. The vomiting is probably from the morning sickness. How long have you been…"

Lightning was shaking her head. "No. No, that can't be right." She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them. "Noel, get out. Now."

To his credit, he stepped out of the room without comment.

Once the door shut behind him, Dr. Bhakti cleared her throat. "I assume this isn't cause for congratulations."

"No. God, no." She pressed her fingers to her temples. "I can't be pregnant. Is it possible your test is wrong?"

"When was the last time you had sex?" the doctor asked, in a gentle voice that implied that she was only humoring her, not because she actually thought was a possibility that the result was false.

She dropped her hands into her lap. "Three months ago. Oh, shit."

The memory of that night with Hope before she had left for Pulse flooded through her mind. _Unprotected. How could we have been so stupid?_

She wanted to blame someone that wasn't herself or Hope, but of course they were the only ones at fault. Neither of them had even fathomed the consequences that night. Larger things had loomed in their minds - like the fact that they might never see each other again.

"Have you been missing your period for the last three months, then?" Another standard, routine question, asked for the sake of asking.

"I didn't think anything of it. My period is pretty irregular." She felt like an idiot.

"Until we perform an ultrasound, we won't be able to pinpoint exactly how far along you are. Were you having sex regularly before that?"

Lightning gave a hollow laugh. "No. Three months ago was the first time."

"Well, that's something. You're still in the first trimester, so you still have options, if you're willing to consider them." The doctor rose from her seat. "I want to ask about your morning sickness, though. How long has it been going on?"

Lightning looked at the floor. "I don't know," she murmured. "Today's been the worst. But I've felt nauseous for the last week or so."

"Well, if it's only been today that it's been bad, it's too early for me to diagnose you with anything more serious than morning sickness. Your next step should be to see an OBGYN as soon as possible and go from there. I can write you a referral if you don't already have one." She placed a hand on Lightning's shoulder. "Are you going to be alright?"

She shrugged. She could feel a lump in her throat forming.

_Would you be so nice if you knew the things I've done? Would you still call me "sweetheart" and pat me on the back and give me your condolences?_

_Don't cry._

"Well, in the meantime, I'm going to prescribe you with vitamin B6, which may help alleviate the vomiting. Your healthcare provider may want to prescribe other drugs for you if that doesn't work." Dr. Bhakti glanced at the door, then back to Lightning. "Your friend there isn't the father, is he?"

"No." Lightning slid off the cot, gripping the side rail. She could've elaborated more - _no, I just met him today, no, I have no idea who he is_, but both would sound equally suspect and require more explanation than she was willing to give. She felt sick, but it wasn't from the nausea. "Can I go now?"

The doctor gave her a sympathetic look. "Sure, sweetheart. Let me get that prescription and referral for you. The nurse will be right back with it." She gave her a smile. "Good luck." With that, she turned and left the room, her heels echoing through the hall as she went.

Noel peered through the doorway. "You want me to come back in?"

"I don't care." Lightning hugged herself, digging her fingers into the sleeves of her sweatshirt.

He hesitated for a fraction of a second, then came closer. He lifted a hand and touched her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

She batted his hand away. "Stop it."

"Alright, alright." Noel stepped away from her and shoved his hands in his pockets.

After the nurse gave her both the supplement and the referral, they walked out to the small parking garage. Lightning lagged behind, staring at the ground as they went. It was a balmy night, but she found herself shivering. She felt that ever familiar pit of despair yawning open beneath her, waiting to swallow her up.

She thought moving away was her chance for a fresh start. She accepted the fact that while she couldn't undo the mistakes she had made, she could try to distance herself from them and begin anew. Instead, those ghosts had managed to follow her here.

Once they reached Noel's car and got in, she said, "Tell me. About you and Serah."

Noel gripped the steering wheel. "What do you want to know?"

"Were you friends or something?" Lightning turned away from the window and looked at him. She had never been able to keep track of Serah's friends. She had always been popular; people had flocked to her like flies to honey. Serah was the most likable person Lightning had ever known. She was probably the most likable person _anyone _had ever known.

Noel hesitated. "Maybe this conversation should wait until later."

"I want to know now."

He shook his head slightly. "Lightning, it's a lot. We were friends, but we…" His voice caught in his throat. "I'll tell you tomorrow, okay? Now isn't a good time."

"Why not?" She eyed him. He remained silent. "Noel, tell me."

He shook his head.

Like that, she was angry. "Then stop the car. Let me out."

He jerked his head towards her. "What?"

Lightning pulled at the door handle, though it was locked. She fumbled for the lock but failed to find it in the dark interior of the car. "Unlock the door."

"No! Are you crazy? You want to walk home?"

"Let me out, Noel." The sudden desire to be alone was overwhelming. It struck her how wildly inappropriate it was to be experiencing this night with a person she didn't even know.

At a traffic light, Noel turned to her, his face illuminated by the red glow. "Lightning. Calm down, okay?"

She stared straight ahead, her shoulders rigid.

"I'm not letting you walk home at night alone. Especially when you're...like this."

Lightning turned away from him. The light turned green and he continued driving. She was struck by the familiarity of the moment; it reminded her of when Hope had taken her to the ER, and she had broken down in the car on the way home.

It wasn't exactly the same, though. Noel wasn't Hope, and she wasn't going to break down this time.

Hope. How was she going to tell him? Should she even bother? She didn't want him to come riding in like an obligated white knight. If he even would.

She pulled out her phone and texted him. _Call me ASAP. _

The ride home felt like it took an eternity, though it wasn't more than ten minutes. Oerba simply wasn't that big. As soon as Noel parked and unlocked the door, Lightning got out, speed-walking towards the entrance.

"Lightning, wait," he called after her.

Ignoring him, she climbed the stairs at a brisk trot. She heard him huffing behind her as he tried to catch up. As she unlocked the door to her unit, he came up behind her, his fingers brushing her arm. She jerked away from him.

"Can you just go away?" she snapped. "I don't even want to look at you right now."

"What did I do to you?" Noel looked bewildered. "Why are you so angry with me? Because I wouldn't let an emotionally volatile pregnant woman walk home by herself at night?"

Truth be told, she didn't know why she was so angry with him, though his choice of words made her feel borderline homicidal. "I just want to be alone, okay?"

"Okay. I'm sorry. But, listen. We do need to talk about Serah. It's…well, things you should know. Can we get together tomorrow?"

"I don't understand why you won't just tell me now."

"Because. It's…bad. I mean…well, I'll tell you tomorrow." His expression was pained.

"Fine. Tomorrow. " She stepped through the door and shut it in his face. As she slid the deadbolt into place, her phone began to ring.

"Is everything okay?" Hope asked as soon as she picked up. His voice sounded worried.

Lightning decided, in that split second, that she wouldn't tell Hope. Not yet, not until she knew what she was going to do.

"Relatively," she replied, walking to her bedroom.

"Really?" He didn't sound reassured. "Why the text, then?"

Cradling the phone between her ear and shoulder, she slipped off her jeans. "I went to the hospital."

"It wasn't anything serious, right? Was it the flu?"

"Yeah, something like that."

Hope was silent for a moment. "Light…"

"What?"

"I dunno. You don't seem yourself tonight. Are you sure you're okay?"

Lightning laughed, but it wasn't happy. "Just tired. And sick, obviously. So, how was your day?"

"Fine," Hope said, seeming reluctant to change the subject. She knew she hadn't convinced him that everything was fine, but he would have no way of knowing otherwise. He didn't let it go, however. "Really. What's wrong?"

Lightning hesitated for a moment. "Hope, I have to ask…as it stands now, do you think this is going to work out?" As soon as she said it, she wanted to take it back. It was too soon to push the issue, but tonight's revelation was a pressing matter. She bit her lip, awaiting his response.

"I want it to work out. I really do," he said. "It's going to be hard, we both know that, and I don't know exactly _how_ it's going to work yet. There's a lot of things I have to work out, arrangements to make. It's just…it's hard, you know? It's a lot to leave behind. But I know you wouldn't ask that of me lightly."

Lightning swallowed. "I'm sorry."

"I want it, more than anything," Hope continued. "I'm going to figure it out, okay? I love you, Lightning. That hasn't changed."

She couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. "Is that a promise?"

"Yes. And someday I'm going to extract a reciprocation from you," he joked.

"You'll get it the day you arrive on my doorstep."

"There's an incentive."

She laughed softly, and it was genuine this time. "Alright, I guess I'll let you go."

"Feel better, okay? Good night."

"Night." She hung up, setting her phone aside on the bed.

She caught sight of herself in the full length mirror on her closet door across the room. She moved to stand in front of it, inspecting her reflection. Her tired face, a little thinner than usual from being sick, stared back. Slowly she rolled her camisole up and examined her still-flat stomach. She turned sideways, trying to picture a baby bump, but she couldn't. Disgusted, she pulled the shirt back down, snapped off the light, and went to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

_"I can't tell her."_

_Noel met Serah's gaze across the tabletop. Though they sat in the middle of the bustling mall food court, they could've been on another planet. The echoing voices and throngs of teenagers faded into nothing but white noise. Nothing else existed._

_Though, Noel often felt that way when he was with her._

_"You have to," he answered, reaching across the table and taking Serah's hand. She gave his fingers a gentle squeeze, but her crystalline blue eyes were rueful._

_"You don't get it," she said, withdrawing her hand. "You don't know her, Noel. She'll be furious."_

_True, Noel hadn't spoken two words to Serah's older sister. He'd brushed shoulders with her in the hall at school, but Lightning had never acknowledged him. In fact, he hadn't seen her interact with anyone at all. She never lingered by the lockers to speak with friends, or stood by open classroom doors chatting up teachers. She strode purposefully through the corridors, as if nothing was more important than getting to class as soon as possible. Her eyes, so similar to Serah's in color, were hard and cold, effectively keeping everyone at arm's length._

_"She's your sister, Serah. She loves you, doesn't she? I bet she would want you to come to her about this."_

_"Lightning does love me. But I…" Serah closed her eyes and shook her head. "I can't burden her with this. She's working so hard right now…between taking care of me, schoolwork, her job, and trying to get enlisted, I can't add this onto her plate. She's already working so hard to make things better for us."_

_"Serah - "_

_"No. I can't. I can't do that to her." She looked back up at him and gave him a gentle smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "I can do this."_

_"_**We**_ can do this," Noel amended. When Serah didn't answer, he gave her an alarmed look. "Serah?"_

_"Noel…I think we should break up."_

_In that instant, it was as if the real world crashed down around him. He became acutely aware of the noise around him: the talking, laughing people, the sounds of plastic trays being set down on tables, the crunching of burger wrappers being balled up and discarded._

_"What? Why?" He stared at her, stunned._

_She bowed her head, her pink curls spilling over her shoulder and masking half of her face. "It's not going to be the same, Noel."_

_"Why not?" He leaned across the table and grabbed both of her hands in his. "Serah, no. What did I do? Please, no."_

_"You didn't do anything. This isn't your fault, it's not your responsibility."_

_"No. No, no, no. Serah, I won't let you go through this alone. No way." She was silent, and he gave her a light shake. "You don't have to do this! You don't have to play the martyr. Of course this is my fault too! I want to be here for you, so let me! Okay?"_

_She turned her face to him, her expression a strange mix between pained and peaceful. Again, she shook her head, extracting herself from his grip._

_"Goodbye, Noel. And thank you, for everything." She pushed back her chair and walked away._

Noel stared at the ceiling of his living room from where he was sprawled on the couch, arms crossed behind his head. He felt utterly exhausted, in spite of the fact that he had slept like the dead - he didn't even recall dreaming.

Emotionally, he was drained.

History, repeating itself.

He got to his feet, stretching. Every vertebrae in his spine seemed to crack, and the muscles of his back rippled under his sun-kissed skin; the pair of blue wings tattooed on his shoulder blades seemed to flutter of their own accord. Shuffling to his room, he pulled out a plain white t-shirt and jeans and donned them.

After preparing himself a cup of coffee, he went to stand out on the balcony. Though it was sunny and warm, he could see black clouds forming in the distance over the water, promising a summer storm. Waves pounded the shore below so violently that he swore he could feel the spray of them, even from where he stood.

He lifted his head at the sound of a door sliding open, and saw Lightning step out onto her own balcony a few doors down. Noel sipped his coffee and watched her surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye. She seemed to be observing the coming storm as well, her hands gripping the railing. He considered calling out to her, but thought better of it. At least he knew that she was up and about. He had forgotten to ask for her number the night before, although he wasn't sure that he would've received it anyway.

Draining his mug, he walked back inside, though not before catching Lightning watching him as well.

He figured he would wait another hour or so before going over there, but he didn't have to. Not ten minutes later she was knocking at his door.

"Hey there," he greeted.

"Hi," she said, looking up at him. Her face had more color than the day before, and her eyes were bright and clear. She wore a loose, off the shoulder shirt over a pair of shorts. "Can I come in?"

"Of course." Noel stepped back. As Lightning walked in, he closed the door behind her, then made haste to the living room, clearing the piles of laundry that he had yet to do off the couch. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't think you'd come over."

"It's fine." She sat, crossing her legs. "Talk to me."

Noel lowered himself into a chair, a sigh escaping him. "Okay. Alright. Well." He pushed his hair out of his face, trying to gather his thoughts. Lightning regarded him, face passive. The course of the night really seemed to have done her well. She was much more composed than she had been yesterday. She was either feeling better, accepting her predicament, or both. In her, Noel saw an echo of the girl he had never known but knew _of_ in high school.

"Serah and I weren't just friends," he began. "We dated. Secretly, I guess. No one really knew we were an item or anything." Something flickered behind Lightning's eyes; surprise, maybe. "She was pretty adamant about you not finding out. She was always afraid of disappointing you, so she tried to make sure know one really knew." He ducked his head and ran his fingers over the back of his other hand, then cracked his knuckles. The sound was sudden and seemed loud in the otherwise quiet room, but Lightning didn't flinch. Her face wasn't as calm as it had been seconds before, however.

"How long did this go on?" she asked.

"A few months. Four, five. And then…" He hesitated.

"Then what?" Lightning prompted after a moment.

Noel sighed and ran his fingers through his hair again. "Well, she got pregnant."

The color drained from Lightning's face. "Pregnant?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

He laughed hollowly. "Yes, I'm sure. I bought her the pregnancy test, I was there when she took it. Though she didn't let me go to that first sonogram. And then she dumped me." He slumped in the chair, rubbing his eyes. "She dumped me, and then…she went to a clinic by herself and got a D&E. She told me she wanted to do it alone. I shouldn't have let her, though." He shook his head, tears blurring his vision. He blinked them back. "Shit! Why did I let her do that? I should've just went anyway, or showed up. But she was so insistent."

A loud roll of thunder interrupted him, startling him. They both looked up at the window. Black clouds swarmed the sky, lightning flashing between them. He swallowed hard, his throat working. "So that's my sorry story. And now I feel like I shouldn't have even told you. That was her secret to tell, not mine. And if she never wanted you to know..."

Lightning hunched over, staring at the floor, her hands covering her mouth. Her gauzy top rode up slightly, exposing a large scar that appeared to hook around her waist from her back. Noel stared at it, for lack of anything else to focus on.

"Are you okay?" he ventured after a time.

"I can't believe she never told me," Lightning murmured, her voice muffled by her hands. She finally sat up, brushing her hair away from her eyes.

"Serah didn't hide it from you because she didn't trust you," Noel pointed out. "She did it because she didn't want to burden you. She didn't want you to worry about it."

"I was her sister. Her guardian! It was my job to worry about her."

"Well maybe you should - wait, what? What do you mean, _was_?"

Lightning turned to him, her face strangely empty. "Noel, she's dead."

Noel's mouth went dry. "Dead?"

Her eyes flicked to the window. Rain had begun to fall, pounding the windows in a rhythmic tattoo. "She died during labor six months ago. And the baby too."

Noel felt like he'd been slammed in the chest, his breath taken away. A sob welled up in his throat and he fought it down, tried to keep it from escaping. He buried his face in his hands and tears leaked from behind his lips, one trailing down his face.

It had been years. Six, at least. Yet those events felt as if they had happened yesterday. The reopened wounds, the fresh pain. The discovery of Serah's pregnancy, the break up. Seeing her in the school corridors, with a fake smile and a fake laugh to keep her friends satisfied, while only Noel knew she was privately mourning. Watching her slowly recover, her smiles and laughs becoming genuine. A new boyfriend - one of the jocks, tall and blonde with arresting charm. Hearing about their engagement mere months later.

It still hurt. The realization surprised him.

He didn't hear Lightning get up and walk over to him. It was only when she was right in front of him did he sense her presence. He lifted his head to see her standing before him, and his burning eyes met hers. She placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I know," she said simply.

"Know what?" he mumbled.

"What it's like to feel like you've failed someone."

He dropped his head again, forehead pressed against her stomach. He expected her to step back, but she didn't. He felt her fingers in his hair, a brief touch.

"Yeah," he replied. "That's exactly how I feel." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "It was Snow, wasn't it? The father."

"And husband, yes."

He squeezed his eyes shut. "Yeah. I figured."

After a moment, she did step away. "I have to go. I have a doctor's appointment."

Noel wiped his face furiously on his sleeve, then stood up. "You want company?" When Lightning hesitated, he said, "No one should have to go to that first ultrasound alone. It's supposed to be a happy occasion. Seeing your kid for the first time and all."

"I guess it is," Lightning answered. "And yet I don't feel that way."

"Why, though? Because it was unexpected?"

"Well, yes."

"So it's a surprise, right?" He smiled. "Surprises are supposed to be good."

Lightning snorted. "There are such things as bad surprises."

"Yeah, but…" He cocked his head. "Is it _that_ bad? I mean…" He cleared his throat. "Maybe I shouldn't ask, but who is the father? Is it someone you like? One night stand? What?"

Lightning gave him a stern look, but it was quickly ruined by the small smile that tugged at the corner of her lips, giving her away.

"Aha," Noel said.

"I care about him very much," Lightning assented. "But he's not here right now. And that's why this situation isn't ideal."

"Why isn't he here?" Noel asked.

Lightning sighed. "The short story is that he's in Eden, and I'm here, and I can't go back."

"Does he love you?"

"Yes," Lightning answered, resolute.

"You know," Noel said, walking towards the door, "if the girl I loved was a thousand miles away, I would do anything to be with her. Especially if she was pregnant with our kid." He paused. "You haven't told him yet, have you?"

Lightning shook her head.

"You _are_ going to, aren't you?" he pressed.

"I'm not talking about this with you, Noel."

He held up his hands. "Alright, okay. Fair enough."

She eyed him. "Are you inviting yourself to my appointment, then?"

"I'm not hearing any complaints." He opened the door. "Come on. Let's turn this day around, shall we?"

Her mouth twitched. "I'm not really anticipating this, honestly."

"You might be surprised." They walked into the hallway, heading for the stairs. "From what I've heard, it's supposed to be a pretty magical moment. Makes it all real."

"I don't want real," Lightning said, pushing open the door to the stairwell. "I'd rather none of this be happening."

"Well…are you keeping it? The baby."

"I don't really know what I'm doing, okay? And," she added, seeing the expression on Noel's face, "If you're going to sit here and judge me or talk me out of whatever I do decide, you can turn your ass around and go back upstairs right now. I need a friend, not a counselor." She began to walk faster.

Noel jogged to catch up with her. The storm outside had passed, but it was still drizzling. "So we're friends?" he asked.

"We can be, if you're not an idiot."

He smiled. "We're kind of bound by fate, aren't we?"

She cast a sidelong glance at him. "Something like that." She unlocked her sedan, gesturing. "Get in. I'm already going to be late."

…

"Alright, I'm going to put some gel on your stomach," the technician was saying. "It might be a little cold."

Lightning winced as the woman smeared the gel over her skin. "A little?"

The tech laughed. "I'm sorry."

"How long will this take?" Lightning grumbled. "I really have to go to the bathroom." They had made her drink several glasses of water while she had sat in the waiting room, and as intended, her bladder was full. Noel sat beside her, aiming her a knowing grin.

"Not that long," the tech replied. "There's going to be some pressure that might make it feel a little worse. Are you ready?"

She moved a hand-held transducer over Lightning's abdomen, watching the monitor screen. "Normally in the first trimester, we'd use a transvaginal scan, but you're so thin we shouldn't have any problems seeing the baby - ah, there."

Images began to appear on the screen, and a loud thumping sound filled the room. "There's the heartbeat…" Lightning and Noel squinted at the images. The technician paused, pointing to the screen. "Here's the head, and the body, and right in here…" She tapped her finger over a fluttering motion. "This is the heart beating in the chest."

Noel grabbed Lightning's hand, his face rapt as he looked at the image, but she barely noticed. She was watching the monitor herself, tilting her head to the side.

The technician measured the form on the screen. "About two and a half inches," she said. "That's about average for a twelve week old fetus. And actually, I can tell you the sex if you want. Your baby is very photogenic." She beamed at them.

"Lightning?" Noel squeezed her hand.

Lightning looked away, pulling her hand out of his grasp, then back up at the screen. She could vaguely discern the shape of it, though it didn't look much like a baby to her.

"Yeah, sure," she finally said.

"You're going to have a boy, Miss Farron." The tech's smile faltered at the expression on Lightning's face, and she glanced at Noel, who was giving Lightning a concerned look.

"A boy?" She looked at the image again.

_A little Hope._

She gave a faint smile, but in truth, she felt like crying.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes: **This chapter would've been up way sooner except 1) Mass Effect 3 happened, 2) I'm in the middle of a 1000 mile move and 3) my HDD is fried. Luckily I had a fairly recent back up, but I still had to rewrite a lot of it. Hope you guys enjoy nonetheless.

**Chapter Four**

"So I have an idea," Lightning said, her phone cradled between her head and shoulder as she shut and locked her car door.

"Lay it on me." Hope sounded like he was eating. When Lightning cleared her throat pointedly, he swallowed. "Sorry," he said. "I'm working through lunch here. Someone decided to just quit this morning, so now all her cases fell into my lap."

Three months had passed, and Lightning was well into her second trimester, though she hadn't begun to really show much yet. Her OBGYN had assured her that it was normal for her to still be so small this far along, especially for a first pregnancy, but still recommended that she start eating more than she was. In any case, her clothes were beginning to feel uncomfortably tight, and she had actually popped a button on a pair of shorts that morning. She lamented the fact that soon she would have to start spending money on maternity clothing, let alone other assorted the baby things.

She supposed that friends and family normally helped out in that department, but she was severely lacking in either. The only friend she had here was Noel - to the extent that she had allowed herself to cultivate that particular relationship. She felt like she had to constantly hold him at arm's length, lest he burrow into her side and attach himself permanently. He always wanted to talk, hang out, have dinner, _something._

She realized, however, that he was lonely too, and had found something like a kindred spirit in her. Lightning was trying to be understanding of that. She had to admit, he did make for a good friend.

"Anyway," Lightning continued, "you should come here and visit. Like for a week or something. You have vacation time, right? I bet Fang could fly you over, and I'll pay for everything else. Or I'll get you a plane ticket if she can't. You won't have to spend a dime."

"Hmm." His mouth was full again.

She waited, but he didn't say anything else. "Just 'hmm'? That's all you have to say about that?"

"I don't know if I can take the time off, Light," he answered, his tone apologetic. "I've been so swamped, I don't even want to see my inbox after a week without working."

Lightning jammed her key into her front door and opened it. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." He paused. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" she asked incredulously, shutting the door behind her with more force than she meant to. "What do you think is wrong?"

"Look…"

"No, you look," she snapped. "I just offered to pay for you to come visit me for a week, and you rebuff me because you're too busy at work? I just want to see you, Hope."

"I want to see you too," he protested. "I'm not making excuses, Light, I'm really -"

"Bullshit," she interrupted. "They are excuses. Incredibly lousy ones." She stopped for a moment, took a deep breath, and tried to compose herself. "Why are you lying to me? I don't understand, I really don't. You say you l-"

"I'm scared, okay?" Hope nearly shouted it, then got quieter. "I'm scared. There, you happy?"

"_Scared?_ Scared of what? What's scary about getting on a plane and coming to see me? This isn't making any sense."

"Scared in general! Scared of coming to see you, and being so overwhelmed, and wanting to be with you so bad, and…not being able to make that last step."

"You mean, moving here for good." Lightning's voice was flat.

"Yeah. Come on, Light. We've discussed it before."

"Don't you dare talk to me about sacrifices," Lightning hissed. Even as the words left her, she wanted to kick herself, but she couldn't seem to stop. She was angry, and it was making her blind and stupid, but she didn't know how to stop. In a way, it felt good to lash out. Months of pent up frustration, anger, sadness, and now hormones, was finally finding release.

Hope was becoming angry himself. "There's a difference between your sacrifices and mine."

"Like what, yours are non-existent and mine aren't?"

"God dammit, Lightning, why are you doing this?" His voice was muffled, like he was passing a hand over his face.

"Don't stop now, you're on a roll. Go ahead, let's hear your brilliant logic." _Stop, for god's sake, just stop,_ a voice in the back of her head screamed. Too late now.

He groaned. "Fine. Your sacrifices all came from your hand being forced. None of them were for the good of anyone other than the fact that you had to. Why are you over there? Because you killed someone. You killed two people. That's why. You didn't have to do that, did you?" He was breathless with anger now. "And yet I forgive you. I've forgiven all of your downfalls, numerous as they are. Embraced them, even. I've done so much for you, you know that. And you want to sit there and act like I'm lying when I say I love you? What about you?"

"You're an ass." She was gripping the phone so tightly that she could feel the plastic cover begin to give. Hope started talking again, with a "Wait, I didn't mean-", but she interrupted, "While we're talking about character flaws, how about you grow up, huh?"

Hope stopped trying to apologize. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Go ahead, play it safe for the rest of your life. Your cozy desk job, your big ass penthouse mommy and daddy gave you, and then find some girl to mother you. That must be your idea of heaven."

"Lightning," Hope said quietly. "Just stop. Please, stop."

She hung up on him.

…

"Afternoon, Mr. Estheim!"

Hope glanced up from his desk to see one of the temps waving from his doorway.

"Hey," he said, crumpling up the rest of his lunch in a bag and shoving it into the wastebasket beside his workstation. "Good afternoon, Alyssa."

"Wanna get lunch somewhere? My treat. You've been working hard all morning, after all."

"I just ate," Hope answered. "Thanks, though."

The blonde girl pouted for a moment, then said, "Maybe tomorrow, then."

"Sure," Hope said, grabbing a folder off of his desk. "Have a good lunch."

As the temp walked off down the hall, he flipped through the file absently. His eyes darted towards the phone, then away. He sincerely doubted Lightning would answer if he attempted to call her again.

_Is it worth it? _

_Of course,_ he answered himself.

Hope had spoken the truth on the phone: he was scared. As much as Lightning had just belittled him for that fear, it was genuine. It was so much to lose.

All told, his life wasn't bad at all at the moment. He had a job that he enjoyed (most of the time) and paid the bills. He had a beautiful home, filled with things more important that furniture or relics; it held memories. He had friends and a support system; he knew if he ever needed help, all he had to do was ask, and someone would be there for him.

Suppose he gave it all up; suppose he dropped everything, bought a one-way ticket to Pulse, and left right then and there.

He wanted Lightning more than anything. He really did.

_What if you go and all you do is fight? What if you guys aren't really meant for each other? _That nagging voice of doubt again.

Hope wished he could've done that conversation all over again, wished he hadn't let Lightning's fierce anger stoke his own like that. Never had he regretted his words more. He wondered how long she would bore that grudge.

He couldn't bear that. He couldn't. Having his phone calls deflected to her voice mail like he knew they would be, not knowing where Lightning's head was at.

He pushed back his chair and stood. Closing his office door behind him, he went to his supervisor's desk.

Batholomew Simms looked up at him from behind his square spectacles. "Yes, Estheim?"

"I'm taking a half day," Hope told him.

The man's mouth set in a firm line. Hope could see him battling internally with himself, deciding whether or not to allow him to leave. But they both knew that Hope more than deserved an impromptu half day.

"Fine," Simms said after a moment. "I suppose. Leave the more urgent cases with a temp, they can divvy them up amongst themselves. The rest can wait for tomorrow, I'm sure."

"Yes sir," Hope said. "And thank you."

"Never again," his supervisor warned as Hope walked away.

He smiled to himself and let himself back into his office. After organizing the stack of folders, he gathered them up in his arms and went out to the row of cubicles where the temps worked. He dumped them onto the nearest desk, then turned on his heel and walked out of the building towards the parking garage. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he dialed Fang's number.

"Hey, Fang. You busy?"

…

"Uh oh," Noel said as he spotted Lightning standing by his door from down the hall. "I know that look."

Lightning crossed her arms as she waited for him to approach. "What?"

"It's the 'I'm fighting with my baby daddy' look," he answered with a grin, unlocking the door to his unit so they could step inside.

"I'm pretty sure there's no term that makes me more homicidal than 'baby daddy,'" Lightning groaned.

"I'm sure there is, we just haven't found it yet." Noel unzipped his OPD-emblazoned windbreaker and hung it on the back of a chair. "So what's wrong?"

Lightning hesitated, then shook her head. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Fair enough. I'm gonna take a shower, then we can get dinner or something if you want."

"Were you going somewhere tonight, Noel?"

"Huh?" Noel followed Lightning's gaze to the back of the couch, where he'd laid out dress clothes that morning. "Oh, um. Sort of."

She folded her arms across her chest again. "You have a date tonight, don't you?"

"I did," Noel said. "Not anymore."

"What do you mean, not anymore?"

"As in, I canceled it." He shrugged. "Why?"

"Why did you cancel it?"

"Because I didn't want to go."

"You canceled it because I called you, didn't you." She delivered this as more of a statement than a question.

"Sure," Noel said. "I'd rather hang out with you, anyway."

Lightning gave an aggrieved sigh. "Noel."

"What? Lightning, don't worry about it. It was some chick my partner was trying to set me up with. I've met her before and I didn't really like her. I was just going to go to be nice."

"You really ought to hang out with more people than just me. Go out, meet new people. I mean, maybe you don't have romantic chemistry with that girl, but she could be your friend or something. Who knows."

"I could say the same for you," Noel said.

"It's different," Lightning insisted.

He shook his head. "Don't worry about me, okay?"

"Well, don't worry about me, either," she said.

"I can't help it." He gave her a smile. The corner of her mouth twitched and she looked away.

"Go take your shower," she told him. "And make it quick. I'm kind of hungry."

"Wow," he said. "I don't think I've ever heard you admit that you're hungry."

"Well, I am eating for two, or whatever."

"Yeah, and currently you eat about enough for half a person," Noel pointed out.

"I am eating enough. I promise. I even busted my favorite pair of shorts today because of it."

"Probably from your kid beating your belly and demanding to be fed," he remarked.

"Will you hurry up and get ready?" she said, exasperated.

"Alright, alright. I won't be long."

As he stood in the shower, the hot water beating against his skin, he wondered – as he always did – if he was doing the right thing. Not befriending Lightning; he knew that being there for her whenever she needed him _was_ right. A good friend was probably one of the best things for her, whether she wanted to admit it or not. What he wondered about was his own motives.

It was true; he felt some obligation towards Lightning because of Serah. Where he couldn't do right by her, he wanted to do right by her sister.

Noel knew they were different. While they shared the same fire, the same ability to go from 0 to 60 in less than a millisecond, they were still different in so many other aspects. Even their situation was not the same. He was fully aware of this; he wasn't projecting, and he wasn't pretending that she was Serah.

Was he romantically inclined towards Lightning? That was another question he couldn't answer for himself. He didn't know how distorted his affection for her was by Serah's memory.

Dangerous territory, a veritable landmine. It was best to avoid it for now.

As Noel toweled off, he could hear Lightning picking out tunes on the old upright piano in the living room. He smiled to himself and pulled on a pair of worn jeans, then walked out of the bedroom. Lightning lingered on a key, the note reverberating poignantly through the apartment.

He sat beside her on the worn bench. Lightning immediately slid her hands into her lap. "Sorry."

"Serah was always good at playing the piano," Noel said.

"Yeah. She worked as a grade school music teacher."

"Really? She always said she wanted to work with kids." He rested his fingers on the keys for a moment, then started playing.

Lightning watched him for a minute, her hands pressed against her stomach. She sat up suddenly, giving Noel wide eyes.

He stopped. "What?"

"No, don't stop. Play again."

Noel turned back to the keys and resumed the song. He glanced at Lightning. A small smile was spreading across her face.

"He likes it," she said in a soft voice. "Feel."

Noel continued to play with one hand, hesitantly resting the other on Lightning's belly where she indicated. Sure enough, he could feel small movements under her skin.

"Wow." He was awestruck.

"I've never felt him move before."

"That's…incredible, Lightning."

"It's weird, for sure." She shook her head, then looked at Noel again. Furrowing her brows, she said, "Were you planning on going out like that, or are you going to put a shirt on?"

Noel laughed and let his hand slide off the keys. "Sorry. I'll get decent." He stood up and cracked his knuckles. "It's been awhile since I've actually played that thing. I'm surprised it's still in tune." He fetched a shirt from his bedroom dresser and pulled on a pair of sneakers. "Let's grab some food, shall we?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes: **Managed to salvage half of this chapter off my HDD, so I decided to finish it today. Hope you guys like.

**Chapter Five**

"Is that all you're going to eat?" Noel asked, watching Lightning push her food around her plate in an attempt to make it look like she had consumed more than she actually had.

She sighed and put down her fork. "I'm full."

"You didn't even eat half of it," Noel pointed out.

"What do you want me to do, gorge myself?" she snapped. "If I eat anymore, I'll get sick."

He continued to watch her, his face worried.

"I'm more of a 'eat little and often' kind of person," she assured him. "That's supposedly healthier, anyway."

"Emphasis on_ little_," Noel remarked. "The 'often' part is yet to be seen."

"I'll take it home with me, okay? I'll probably be hungry again in the car." Oerba was lacking in the restaurant department, so they had made the hour-long trip to Sulyya Springs, a resort-like town with a vast array of shops and eateries.

"Whatever you say," Noel said, his face full of doubt.

They paid the bill and walked out to Noel's car. A light rain was falling, chilling the early autumn night. As they got in, Noel said, "Maybe you should talk to your doctor about getting more nutrition. Most pregnant women take advantage of that whole 'eating for two' adage, in my experience."

"I guess I'm not most pregnant women then." Lightning shot him a glare in the dark car.

He chuckled. "For sure." His face fell again. "Seriously, though."

"I'm already on every supplement under the sun, Noel. They've probably run out of things to give me by now. At any rate, they've told me everything's fine."

"Even the fact that you aren't showing?" Noel asked dubiously.

"My doctor said it's normal for a first pregnancy. You're really worrying way too much about this. If something was wrong, I'd tell you."

"No, you wouldn't," Noel said.

Lightning didn't argue with him. He was right, after all.

After ten minutes of silence, she opened the styrofoam box that her food was in and started picking at it.

"You doing that for my benefit?" Noel asked.

"More or less to shut you up," Lightning answered.

He laughed and shook his head. "It gives me some peace of mind, I guess."

"Remember when I said not to worry about me?"

"Yeah. Remember when I said I couldn't help it?"

In that instant, another car slammed into the side of theirs. The driver's side crumpled inwards as the vehicle began to roll over. Lightning's window gave, then shattered inward, and her head slammed against the roof; her vision went black. The car continued to flip off of the road and across the shoulder, rolling down the incline and into a grassy field before coming to a halt upside down.

Lightning turned her head carefully. Her neck seemed to creak as she moved, and although it hurt, she could assume nothing was broken. "Noel?" she whispered.

No answer. The only sound in the car was her own shallow breathing and the sound of rain in the grass.

She undid her seatbelt. Her body was covered in small, shallow scrapes from the glass breaking. As she was released from the belt, she fell on her head onto the ceiling of the car. Hissing, she scrambled to right herself, and in doing so, became aware of the acute pain shooting up from her right leg. She bit her lip and squeezed her tearing eyes shut. Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to tolerate the pain – long enough, at least, to get herself and Noel out of the car.

She crawled on her belly across the cabin, trying to ignore the prickling glass on her stomach. The safety glass had done its job; it had broken into small, relatively dull pieces, but still able to cut at high enough speeds. She realized none of the airbags had deployed in the crash.

"Noel," she said again, reaching out and touching his shoulder.

His eyes flew open and his head jerked towards her. "Ah…shit," he said, his voice faint. "That hurts."

"Thank god," she breathed. "Noel, we have to get out of the car."

His eyes were slowly closing. "It's not gonna blow up," he mumbled. "That's just in movies. Gas doesn't explode."

"That's not my concern. Hey. Hey!" She shook him. "Noel, stay with me. We have to get out of here first, okay?"

He nodded his head, eyes still closed. He fumbled with his seatbelt for a second. His hands paused on the strap, then he seemed to give up. "Can't," he whispered. "I can't."

Lightning swore to herself and reached down for the belt herself. His stomach was wet, oozing. She pulled her hand away. Even in the darkness, she could tell it was a thick coating of blood that covered her fingers.

He was hurt, badly.

Swallowing, she stretched her hand down again and found the release button. Like she had, he slumped to the roof. By his movements, or lack thereof, she couldn't tell if he was still conscious.

"Noel, are you awake?"

He moaned in response.

Grabbing him under his arms, she started to drag him backwards, through the passenger side window. The pain in her leg was reaching an unbearable limit, and she exhaled hard. _Just a little further._

As soon as Noel's body cleared the car, she stopped to rest, lying on her back, her breathing labored. The cool rain still fell.

After a few minutes, she turned to look at Noel. He was lying exactly as she left him. Panic gripped her, and she reached out and squeezed his wrist. "Noel?"

There was a moment's pause, and he answered with a soft, "Yeah."

Lightning sat up, scooting herself over to him. She ran her hands down his chest and stomach, trying to find the source of the blood; it was too dark to see clearly. Her fingertips grazed gash on his stomach. Something bulbous and squishy was straining out of it.

She swallowed back her dinner as it rose in her throat. "Oh god," she whispered. Noel had been eviscerated. How? What in the car had cut him like this? He hadn't been wedged against steering wheel.

"Lightning," he said, his voice an abused whisper. She looked at his face, which was lined with pain. "Lightning," he said again, lifting his hand.

"I'm right here," she answered, her hand closing around his.

"The baby?"

Her other hand flew to her stomach. "I don't know," she said.

His fingers convulsed around hers. "I really wanted to meet your son," he said softly.

"You will, Noel," she insisted with more conviction than she felt.

He gave a hoarse laugh, then winced. "You're a bad liar."

"You're too annoying to just die," Lightning told him. "That'd be too convenient."

She got on one knee, trying to avoid putting weight on her hurt leg. Using the overturned car, she pulled herself into a standing position. She looked around. Where was the other car? How far were they from the road? She strained to listen for sounds of traffic, or better yet, sirens, but nothing but the hush of rain greeted her ears. She couldn't even see the street lights that lined the highway. Had they really rolled that far?

"Shit," she murmured.

They were as good as dead.

_**…**_

"What would you do in my situation?" Hope asked Fang. They sat at the empty bar of the Ice Lounge, watching the construction workers build a new stage. In less than six hours, the entire club would be filled from wall to wall, loud music reverberating the whole building, and mostly naked women sliding up and down the poles as adoring fans strained to shove wads of money into the little clothing they did wear.

Fang sipped her water. "I'm not you, so that's hard to say," she answered.

"Pretend."

"Hope…" She spread her hands. "Honestly? I've never met anyone worth giving up everything I have here. So it's hard for me to imagine. "

"I guess you are a bad person to ask," Hope grumped, folding his arms on the bar and resting his chin on them. "You're practically married to the Lounge."

Fang laughed. "I like to think of it as my baby."

"Whatever." Hope sat back up and sighed. "I just don't know."

"If you're not one hundred percent about it, then you probably shouldn't do it, love," Fang pointed out. "I'm not trying to be mean or stand in your way, of course. I'll get you over there if you want. I just don't want you to do something you regret."

"I just feel like…" He sighed again. "I need to see her to know. I mean, I almost feel like I'm…forgetting." _Forgetting her face, what she feels like in my arms, how amazing it is just to be with her._ He felt like she was a ghost, or a dream, things that had happened but didn't really exist. The only thing that grounded him was hearing her voice on the phone, but it had ceased to be enough, and judging from their conversation earlier, it wasn't enough for Lightning anymore either.

"Well, a little vacation never hurt anyone." She rested her cheek on her palm. "Just go for a week or something. And if you like it, stay."

"Just like that?"

"Sure. How else would it be?"

He pushed back from the bar and got off the stool. "You're right. I'm going to do it." He paused and eyed Fang. "It's not_ really_ hell, is it?"

She smirked. "Maybe to someone who's lived in Eden all his life."

_**…**_

The rain had finally stopped. A dense mist had materialized in its wake, further assuring the fact that they would not be found.

Lightning had no idea how much time had passed. It felt like hours, though. The adrenaline that pumped through her veins and kept her from feeling the cold had long since abated. She was chilled to the core, and she knew it had to be worse for Noel.

By some miracle, he was still holding on, though his breathing was labored and uneven. She had created a makeshift occlusive dressing out of the plastic bag their take out had been packed in and her shirt. She still wore a tank top, but it did nothing to keep her warm. While the days on Pulse were still balmy in the fall, the nights were truly cold.

She also was not sure if her baby was even still alive. She hadn't felt him move throughout the whole ordeal. She refused to let herself dwell on that. It had only been earlier that day that she'd felt him move at all.

All told, she didn't seem to be too injured. Her leg hurt like hell, and her head throbbed where it had slammed against the ceiling of the car during its flip, skirting the edge of her vision with darkness. She figured that she had a concussion. She didn't think either injury would prove to be fatal, as long as they received medical attention soon. Noel, on the other hand…

Lightning leaned back against the car, closing her eyes. It was tempting to let the exhaustion take her, but she was afraid to sleep – afraid that she may not wake up again due to the concussion, and afraid that Noel would pass in the meantime. Her throat burned from screaming for help, though she had long since given up on that venture.

She prayed for dawn to arrive.

Noel's head lay across her lap. She would've thought he was dead already, he was so cold, but his chest still rose and fell sporadically. She passed numb fingers through his hair, and he stirred.

"I'm freezing," he whispered.

Lightning huddled over him. "Me too."

"Didn't even see that car. Came out of nowhere." Noel licked his lips. "Are they okay?"

"I have no idea," Lightning said.

Noel turned his face, pressing it against her stomach. Lightning could feel his lips moving against her shirt. She bent her head down as far as she could, trying to hear what he was saying.

He was singing faintly. "It's nine thousand miles back to you. I still feel like home is in your arms."

Like that, she felt the baby stir. She laughed in quiet wonder, tears pricking behind her lids.

"He's okay," Noel murmured, smiling.

"He must like your music better than mine," she remarked, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

Noel's smile faded, and he slipped out of consciousness again.

Her son was still alive. That was something.

Her eyes closed again. Tired, she was so tired. She fought to stay awake, but it was an uphill battle. Sleep sounded so nice.

The sound of a phone going off startled her awake again. Her head snapped up so suddenly that she hit it on the crumpled metal of the car. Grasping the back of her head, she looked around. The phone continued to ring, and she recognized it as her own cell's ring tone.

"Shit! Where is it?"

Carefully maneuvering Noel out of her lap, she got on one knee. She was sore from sitting in that position for so long, but she ignored it, ignored how dizzy she was, and ignored the pain from her leg that was so intense that it threatened to steal her consciousness. She crawled desperately towards the sound, though the world was spinning.

"Keep ringing, keep ringing," she hissed.

She saw the glow of the screen through the thick grass. She reached for it and managed to grab it, though the wet plastic threatened to slip from her grip. She hit the answer button and held it up to her ear.

Before she could say anything, Hope's voice said, "Look, I'm sorry what I said earlier. I'm coming to visit you. Pick a date and I'll come. I love you, Lightning, I mean it."

"Hope," she croaked. "Thank god."

"What? Light, what's wrong?"

"Help, we need help. There was a car accident, Noel's dying. We've been here for hours. I can't…" Such overwhelming tiredness. She couldn't seem to form a coherent thought or convey the urgency of the situation. Her brain felt like it was full of cotton balls. _You have to stay awake, you have to._

"Light? Light, stay on the phone, okay? Hold on." He was talking to someone in the background, but she couldn't make out the words.

"Lightning, where are you?" Fang's voice now, her tone clipped. "Wake up, love. You have to tell us where you are so we can get you help."

"Right. Where…oh. The road from Sulyya Springs. Route…I don't know. To Oerba. About ten minutes from the Springs. On the side…a field."

"Stay on the phone, Lightning. Stay awake. You have to. Don't hang up, okay? We're dialing emergency services over there right now."

"I…can't." She curled up on the sodden ground. "I'm sorry."

"Pinch yourself or something."

"Tell Hope… I love him too. And…" There was something else important she had to say, something that the paramedics would need to know. What was it?

"Lightning! _Lightning!"_

The phone slipped out of her fingers as her world went black.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

_The sky was that impossibly crisp blue that autumn skies tend to be, marbled with clouds. Lightning could have stared forever, and for awhile, that was what she did, lying in the endless, grassy field. A light breeze caressed her cheek, stirring strands of her hair against her face. She wasn't sure where she was, or if she cared. All of her thoughts seemed to disappear before they could form completely. She was content. She let her eyes slip closed against that bright blue, and smiled. _

_A shadow fell over her face, and she looked up. Familiar eyes - the almost exact shade of that beautiful sky - gazed back, outlined by dark, sweeping lashes. _

_"What are you doing here?" Serah asked._

_Lightning sat up, staring. Her sister knelt in front of her, her head cocked to the side. Her hair wasn't in its usual ponytail; instead the long, wavy locks framed her face. _

_"Am I dead?" Lightning asked._

_"No. That's why I asked what you were doing here." The corners of Serah's mouth quirked in amusement. She looked over Lightning's shoulder. "Him, too?"_

_Lightning followed Serah's gaze. Noel was lying on his stomach nearby in the grass, his face turned away. He appeared to be sleeping. Serah stood, walking over to his prone figure, and Lightning followed suit. They bent down by his body. Serah touched his face, and his eyelids twitched, as if he was dreaming._

_"Is he…?" Lightning looked at Serah._

_"No." She shook her head and smiled. "His spark hasn't been snuffed out just yet."_

_Lightning touched his shoulder, then squeezed it, rolling him over onto his back. He grimaced, then seemed to awake. He opened his eyes slowly, but they were dreamy, unfocused. _

_"Noel," Lightning whispered. _

_He closed his eyes once more, but not before touching Lightning's hand where it rested on his shoulder._

_"Let him sleep," Serah advised.  
><em>

_"Where am I?" Lightning questioned._

_Serah shrugged. "Here."_

_"Is this…" Lightning licked her lips. "Heaven? Purgatory?"_

_Serah gave her sister a warm smile. "You're dreaming," she said, instead of answering her question. "You need to wake up."_

_Lightning dug the heels of her hands in her eyes. "Why?" Why not stay here? There was no pain in this place. _

_And Serah was here._

_"To survive," Serah intoned._

_Lightning looked over at Noel again, then back at Serah. "What about him?"_

_"Exactly. You have to survive for Noel." She touched Lightning's stomach, a brief graze of fingers. "And him, too."_

_Lightning's throat felt tight. "Wait."_

_Serah tilted her head, giving her a questioning look. _

_Lightning grabbed Serah's hands. "I just…don't want to leave you. Not yet. I'm sorry, Serah. For everything. If I could take it all back..."_

_Serah drew Lightning into a hug, her arms wrapping around the other woman's shoulders. "I never left you, sis. And I forgive you. There was never a question, Light."_

_Lightning tried to swallow back the lump in her throat. "You know, Noel is still in love with you."_

_Her sister laughed softly. "Leave it to the two of you to find each other, against all odds. Maybe he still holds my memory fondly, but I think it's someone else he loves now."_

_"What-"_

_Serah moved back, gripping Lightning's shoulders. "It's time to wake up, okay?"_

_Lightning nodded._

_"Be strong," her sister told her. "Things aren't going to get any easier. But I know you can do it."_

She awoke to the sound of digging.

It was still night, and she was lying face down on the damp, rain sodden ground. She could feel the dirt and dried blood on her face drying to an uncomfortable mask on the side of her face. She felt light-headed, and slightly nauseous. More than anything she wanted to just close her eyes and return to that dream, but she couldn't. She knew that.

Her eyes darted to the right, and she saw an unfamiliar figure at the edge of her vision, hunched over with a shovel. From the broad build, she assumed it was a man, though his long, dark hair hide most of his face. She was afraid to move, not wanting to attract his attention. Very slowly, she turned her head to the other side. Noel was lying beside her, motionless. She feared the worst until she saw his chest rise and fall. The bandage she had applied to his wound was still intact. How much longer would the makeshift dressing hold up?

From her limited view, it seemed like they had been moved. Their wrecked car was nowhere in sight.

The figure was mumbling something under his breath as he stabbed the soft ground with his spade and straightened. He turned to the side, wiping his forehead with his arm. Lightning tilted her head enough to see a large pile of earth, and beside it, the still form of a young woman. Her long hair cascaded over her face, obscuring it. The man knelt beside her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice thick. "I'm sorry."

Lightning watched with growing horror as he scooped the girl up in his arms. Standing over the hole he had dug, he gently laid her down in the makeshift grave.

She sat up. She'd almost forgotten about her leg; her movements caused a fresh wave of pain to wash up her calf and thigh. She bit back a hiss, but the man already noticed her.

"You live?" He stood, striding over towards her.

Lightning glared up at him. His handsome, arrogant features were contorted into rage as he got on his knees beside her. She opened her mouth to speak, but in a swift movement he had her back on the ground, one strong hand pinning her face.

"It looks like my work is cut out for me," he growled. "I thought all I would need to do is dispose of your bodies."

Lightning gripped his wrist, lifting his hand off her face. "What the hell are you doing?" she hissed.

His eyes flashed, and he slammed her head back on the ground. "Cleaning up the mess," he answered. "Now stay there until I'm finished."

Lightning bit his hand where it covered her mouth. He jerked his hand away, then backhanded her, rocking her face to the side. She blacked out for a minute, the taste of blood on her tongue.

He laughed, slightly breathless. "I'm impressed. And here I thought you were dead." He straightened. "No matter." He went back to the hole, picking his shovel back up and starting to fill it with dirt.

Lightning blinked rapidly, clearing her vision. She pushed herself back into a sitting position and turned her head, spitting out blood. Were these the people from the other car?

Was he going to bury them all alive?

The thought curdled her stomach, almost made her want to wretch.

"What are you going to do?"

He continued to work. "Be quiet. You'll see soon enough."

She tried again. "What if she's still alive?"

"She isn't."

"You thought I was dead, too. What if you-"

"Enough!" He nearly screamed the word. "Shut your mouth, shut up right now, or I'll do it for you."

The hopelessness of the situation was sending her to the brink of panic. She took a deep breath, tried to calm herself. What could she do, aside from talk him down from the ledge? Her leg was hamstringing her, making her useless. She couldn't run - and even if she could, she wouldn't leave Noel behind.

Lightning said, "We need help. That girl could still be alive."

The man spun on his heel and stalked back to her, shovel still in hand. He lifted it, as if he was going to swing it into her skull.

"I'm pregnant," she said.

He hesitated, confusion flashing on his face. "You…?"

With her good leg, she kicked out, connecting with his ankle. He stumbled to one knee, dropping his impromptu weapon. She snatched it up, using the blunt handle to jab at him. He scrambled backwards to avoid it.

Adrenaline surged through her veins, washing away the pain. She used the temporary relief to her advantage and managed to get to her feet, using the shovel to help herself up. She could stand steadily on her feet and wield the spade without using it for support - or she could at the moment, at least. She knew the pain would cripple her once more soon enough; it would probably be even worse than before. For now, the adrenaline carried her.

The real question was how much she was willing to hurt the man before her.

He made a grab for her, and she swung the shovel like a baseball bat. The flat side clanged against his shoulder and he exhaled sharply. One hand grabbed at the shaft, and he yanked it from her. She used the momentum of his movements to propel herself forward and she punched him in jaw hard enough to stagger him briefly. As she went to hit lower things, he grabbed her arms.

He pulled her closer to him, pinning her arms firmly to her side. His gaze met hers.

"I will not be the only one with a loss here," he whispered roughly.

As Lightning stared up into the eyes of her would-be killer, she was filled with a rage so intense it pulsed at the edges of her vision. She'd never had anything to fight for before, not like this. The times she had killed before had been to rescue someone, but it had never been personal.

This was personal. Not only was her own life at stake, but Noel's and her son's. And to fail them was unacceptable. She could not lose. To lose meant death.

She tore her arms free of his grip and clutched the collar of his shirt, pulling him close. She kneed him in the stomach. He doubled over, his breath leaving him in a harsh gasp. She hit him in the neck, and he went down to his knees. He grabbed her as he went, pulling her down with him.

Lightning fought to stand again, but her injured leg could handle no more. She scrabbled for purchase on the damp ground, and the man pressed his advantage. He pinned her down in the mud once more.

"I'm done playing with you," he snarled, digging his fingers into her arms.

She struggled against him and his unrelenting hold to no avail. If she hadn't already been hurt, she could've been more effective. He was strong, but he wasn't better than her.

The odds were stacked too high against her, though. It didn't matter.

She screamed in frustration, rage, and despair. She had lost.

The sound of a gun firing filled the air. The man suddenly slumped to the side as blood and thicker things exploded out of his head, splattering Lightning's face. She blinked in shock, waiting for her hearing to return to her; her ears rang from the gunshot in such close proximity. She shoved the man off of her and sat up, looking around.

Noel was kneeling, his pistol in one hand, his other clutching at his stomach. He met Lightning's gaze. "Is he dead?"

She was always forgetting Noel was a cop. He always had his handgun concealed on him. It was one of the things she actually appreciated most about him.

Lightning looked down at the crumpled figure before her. His eyes were still open but empty. That, and the leaking hole in his head, made it pretty definitive that he was dead. She still put two fingers against the side of his neck. Nothing.

"He's dead," she told him, wiping her face with her sleeve.

"God." He was shaking his head rapidly, too rapidly. "I didn't want to kill him. I was just trying to incapacitate him…but my aim…I couldn't..."

Lightning dragged herself over to him. "Noel."

"I couldn't let him hurt you and the baby," he continued, and now he was speaking too fast. His hand was shaking badly where he gripped his gun. "And he was going to. Couldn't let him."

"Give me the gun," Lightning said.

"I've never killed anyone before," he said. "I've shot people, but never a killing wound."

"Give me the gun." She grabbed his wrist so the gun aimed downward, in case he accidentally fired again. Considering his state of mind, combined with his injuries, it was a likely possibility. He finally relaxed his grasp on the weapon, and she took it from him. Clicking on the safety, she set on the ground, out of his reach.

"I didn't mean to kill him," Noel said.

"It's okay. You had to, Noel. You saved us."

"It's not okay!" he shouted in her face. "It's not. I could've incapacitated him instead. Shot him in the knee or something. I didn't have to kill him, but I did." His voice broke.

"There was no way you had a clear shot to anything but his head," Lightning said. "It's too dark, he was on top of me. You had to do it in this situation, Noel. This wasn't some drill at police academy. This is real fucking life. Nothing could've prepared you for this, but you did the right thing, okay?"

"He was innocent, too," Noel said in a quiet, rough voice. "He was in the car that hit us. He saw that girl die, and it broke him, too. He thought we were all dead already. He was going to just bury us. He thought he was doing the right thing, too. That's why it bothers me."

How much had he been awake for? She realized in that moment that she had assumed he was going to die, no matter what. Even though she fought to save him, she hadn't truly believed he'd make it, even if they got help while he was still breathing. Here he was, talking with more clarity now than he had since the accident occurred and acting like his wound wasn't as severe as it was. Maybe the adrenaline was carrying him, too. _The problem is when it wears off, and you discover you wound up hurting yourself even worse._ "That changed. Broken or not, he was going to kill us." She sighed. "I forgot you had a gun. I would've done it instead."

"No. No way. It would be even worse if you had to do it. I'd rather have spared you of it."

"It wouldn't have been my first time."

Noel looked up at her. "What?"

She looked at him in frustration. There was no time for a therapy session now. Her head was throbbing again, her leg was one big pain receptor, and she was now aware of how swollen the inside of her mouth was from being hit. She dropped her head in her hand, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Lightning…"

The sound of grass crunching startled her. She jerked her head up so quickly that she nearly blacked out, then craned her neck around, looking for the source of the sound. She listened. Did she hear voices? She spied a flashlight playing over the ground.

"Is anyone there?" a voice called.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes: **Sorry for the wait, all. Moving has kept me busy. I'm (mostly) settled in now, so the next chapters shouldn't take as long. Side note: I'm loving all the interesting comments I'm getting on this story, especially the Light x Hope vs. Light x Noel. It sucks that I will inevitably disappoint one of your camps, but I hope you enjoy either way.

**Chapter Seven**

The next time Lightning awoke, it was in a hospital.

She opened her eyes slowly. The white walls of the hospital room nearly blinded her at first, and she rubbed at her lids. One of her hands met with resistance, and she realized she had an IV inserted into the back of it. She was tempted to pull it out, but decided to let it go for now.

She gingerly moved herself into a sitting position and looked around. A monitor was strapped to her stomach, cutting uncomfortably into her skin. She pulled her hospital gown up and examined her stomach. It seemed bigger than it had before.

Looking down, she saw someone was sitting at the edge of the bed, face down on the blankets, their head buried in their arms. She reached out and fingered the platinum strands of hair.

"Hope?" she said in disbelief.

He stirred and lifted his head. His gaze met hers.

"You're awake. Finally," he said, moving to sit on the bed. He reached out for her, wrapping his arms around her. Lightning's breath caught in her throat, and she pressed her face into the side of his neck.

"Is this a dream?" she whispered. "Are you really here?"

"I'm here," he assured her, and he kissed her forehead. "How do you feel?"

"I don't know," she answered. "What…" She shook her head, then winced, pressing the palm of her free hand against her forehead.

Hope drew away from her, studying her face. "You have a concussion," he said, "and your leg is pretty tore up. Nothing broken, but you had to get a lot of stitches, and you lost a lot of blood." He took her hand. "After I called you, I got on a plane straightaway. I got here late yesterday and have been here since." Squeezing her fingers, he continued, "They were worried you were lapsing into a coma, because of the concussion." Something must have showed in her face, because he asked, "Are you okay?"

Her head snapped back up, and the movement made her dizzy for a moment. "Noel. Where's Noel?"

Hope gave her a confused look. "Noel?"

Lightning furled her fingers in his shirt. "Is Noel okay?"

"The guy you were with?" Hope asked.

"Yes. Is he…did he…?"

"He's in intensive care still. Came out of surgery yesterday, I think. That's all I know."

Lightning sighed, releasing her grip on him. "So he's still alive."

"As far as I know." Hope tilted his head, face lined with concern. "Are you…"

"Yes, I'm fine. " She relaxed a little. "What a mess."

Hope gave her a faint smile. "Well, I would've liked to have come under better circumstances." When she said nothing, he said, "Light, why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?"

This was a conversation she would've rather be able to prepare for. "Because. I didn't know how you would react."

"What do you mean?" He looked down at her.

"I don't know," Lightning said. "You were already apprehensive about coming here. It would've been even worse if you knew I was pregnant, but still didn't want to come."

"I would never do that," Hope said. "Ever. If you had told me, I would've gotten on the next plane, Light."

She pulled away from him. "That's just it, though," she said.

Hope raised an eyebrow. "What is?"

"You coming just because I was pregnant with your kid, because you were obligated to. I wanted you to come because you truly wanted to be with me."

"But I am here because I want to be with you," he argued. "I came here without even knowing that fact."

"Well, you came because I was hurt."

"Light, when I called you that night, I was calling to tell you I was going to visit you either way. It was impeccable timing, thank god."

She shook her head, rubbing the corners of her eyes with thumb and forefinger. "Can we have this conversation later?"

"That's probably best." He took her face in his hands. "You know, I wanted our reunion to be a bit happier than this."

"I did too." She gave him a rueful smile. "We have a lot to discuss."

"Yeah, we do." He smiled wryly. "But I agree, let's save it for another time. Besides, I can't really argue fairly with an injured pregnant woman."

"I don't really want to argue with you, Hope."

"Nor I with you. You're right though, we have a lot to talk about. But it can wait until you're better."

He gave her a light, lingering kiss, and she smiled against his lips. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed this.

"I'm going to go let a nurse know you're awake," he said, drawing back.

As he stood, three people entered the room. One was a disgruntled-looking nurse in scrubs, the other two were uniformed police officers.

"We're glad to see you're finally awake, Miss Farron," one of the officers said.

Hope cast a sidelong glance at Lightning, then back to the officers. The nurse busied herself with checking the monitors, giving a Lightning a furtive look of her own.

"She did just wake up," the nurse said. "She may not remember the accident yet. I'd really advise that you wait a day or so, at the very least, but it could easily be more."

"What is this about?" Hope asked with thinly veiled disgust. "Are you trying to figure out who is at fault already? Surely it can wait."

"We aren't here about the car crash," one officer said.

The other one spoke. "We're here to inquire about the deaths of Yeul Paddra and Caius Ballad."

_**…**_

The door to Noel's room was open. Lightning peeked in, tapping on the jamb. Noel was lying on his back, his head turned away and his eyes closed. At the sound of her knocking, he lifted his head, slowly propping himself up on his elbows.

"Lightning?"

"None other," she replied, coming into the room and shutting the door behind her.

"Hey," he said, smiling. She sat in the chair closest to the bed, propping her crutches on the wall beside it. "You're looking a little worse for the wear."

"You're one to talk," she remarked, amused. Aside from the black eye, his face and arms were covered in the same shallow scratches as hers – not to mention the fact that only days prior his innards were spilling out of his stomach.

It was the first time she'd seen him since the accident. After the police had tried to question her two days ago, she'd become increasingly restless to see him. She'd feigned amnesia and told them she didn't remember anything.

Hope's eyes had been burning a hole into her.

As soon as she'd dragged it out of one of the nurses that Noel had been moved out of intensive care and onto her floor for recovery, she'd come as soon as possible. She knew the cops would come back again today, and would continue to come until she had answers, one way or another.

"I know. You look great, actually." He folded his arms over his chest. "What's up?"

"I've been worried sick," Lightning told him. "I thought you were dead. Or dying."

"So did I. But you were right, I'm too inconvenient to die. Didn't you say so?"

Lightning laughed softly. "Something like that. So they put your guts back where they belong?"

"Yeah. They told me your little makeshift band-aid saved my life. So…" He tilted his head. "Thank you."

"I'm just happy you're okay, Noel," Lightning said honestly.

"Same for you," he said. "I'm really sorry, Lightning. I feel like it's my fault."

"What?" She looked bewildered. "Why?"

"Endangering you and your son like that. If I lived and something had happened to either of you…" He shook his head. "I don't want to think about it. I would be so devastated."

"I would be too, if you…"

"It's a bit different."

"Why?" Lightning argued. "Your life is just as valuable as mine."

"Let's just agree to disagree."

"Whatever." She crossed her arms. "We have a problem."

Noel raised his eyebrows. "Aside from the obvious?"

"Yeah. Noel, the cops were here the last two were questioning me about…those people."

"Oh." His eyes flicked downwards, then met her gaze again.

"What do you want me to say, Noel?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "Um, the truth?"

"Are you sure? Noel, what if you lose your job? Or worse?"

"What are you even suggesting, Lightning?"

She took a deep breath. "I could take the fall for you."

"_What?_"

"It's not a big deal," she said.

"Is that a joke?" he asked incredulously.

"No. I wanted to ask you before I said something, though. So we could get our stories straight."

He rubbed his eyes with a thumb and forefinger. "You…no. Just no. Tell the truth. The girl was already dead, but I shot the guy. Self defense. He was going to kill you. Or hurt you."

"Kill me."

"Yeah," Noel said quietly.

"What if it's not good enough?" Lightning said, and her throat felt tight. "Noel, you can't go to jail."

"And you going is any better?" Noel shot back. "You're going to have a baby in three months. You wanna be a jailhouse mommy or something?" He shook his head. "Neither of us are going to prison, okay? Just tell the truth."

"Are you sure?"

"Reasonably sure."

She watched his face. After a moment, she said, "Okay. I just…you know. I wanted to talk to you about it."

Noel shook his head and chuckled.

"Are you okay, though?" She touched his hand.

"You mean with…?" When Lightning nodded, he continued, "Yeah. I mean, well. As at peace with it as I'll get, I guess. It hasn't really sunk in completely." He hesitated, then said, "Why would you offer to take the blame for me?"

"Let's just say I already have red in my ledger," she said.

"There's a lot you haven't told me, huh?" She didn't answer. He hesitated, then asked, "Does it get easier?"

"They were very bad people," Lightning said, her voice empty. "I didn't feel remorse then and I don't now."

He eyed her. "Well then." His fingers snaked around hers, squeezing.

In that moment, Lightning was aware that something had changed between them. A shift, nearly imperceptible, but it was there, not quite subtle enough to escape her radar.

_What _had changed? And when?

She said, "So guess who is here?"

"Baby daddy?"

"Hope," she corrected him. "Good guess."

Something passed over his face, but he gave her a sincere smile. "You must be ecstatic."

"Still kind of in disbelief, actually." Lightning picked at one of the various scabs on her arms.

He studied her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. It's just…" She stopped herself. "Weird. That's all." _**He's**__ being weird. Because he thinks I killed someone again. _Not that she could blame him, she supposed, but his entire demeanor towards her had changed as soon as the cops had mentioned the deaths - subtly, but she could still sense it. He hadn't asked for any explanation, either. She knew he was probably afraid to know.

Part of her wondered if he would ever accept her past completely. She was aware that it bothered him, no matter what he said. But these deaths had truly not been her fault. She could own to that with a clear conscience.

She swallowed back the lump in her throat.

Noel glanced over her shoulder. "Where is aforementioned baby daddy? I'm sorry, 'Hope'."

"At my apartment. He hasn't gotten a lot of sleep since he's been here, so I told him to get some shut eye. I get discharged tomorrow so he's picking me up."

"Lucky you. I wish I knew when I was going to leave."

"You were really hurt, Noel. Much worse than I."

"I know, I know. At least they're transferring me to Oerba General in a few days, if I'm still stable."

"I'll come visit you," Lightning promised.

"Yeah, right. No offense, but the love of your life just came to town. I doubt you're going to have time for me anymore."

Lightning frowned at him. "Are you serious?"

Noel shrugged. "I'm not blaming you. You know, in a few months time, you're going to have your hands full. The baby, Hope…even people in ideal situations don't have time for their friends once they have a kid. Maybe we should, I dunno, go ahead and cut the cord."

Lightning leaned on the bed, glaring at him and trying to mask the cloying panic she felt. "No."

He blinked. "No?"

"No! This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Look, after what just happened, it made me realize something: how lucky I am to have you as a friend. You've been amazing, Noel."

Noel tried to sit up more, but winced, instead settling back against the pillows. "I wanna know all the things you haven't told me, Lightning. Well, not all, but...the important things."

She averted her gaze. "Most of it's bad."

He tugged at an errant lock of her hair. "Try me."

"Maybe when you're better. They're horror stories. Might impede on your healing."

Noel nodded, sighing. "Fine. Deal."

Lightning studied his face. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

"Getting there. The morphine's wearing off."

"Want me to get someone?"

"I can call them." He gestured to the remote on his nightstand.

"I guess I'll leave you to it, then." She moved to get up, then hesitated. "You're right, the baby is probably going to change a lot of things, and Hope too. It depends on how it goes, I guess. But I still want you in my life, and I'm going to try my hardest to make sure you stay in it, whether you like it or not."

"Thanks," he said quietly. He took a deep breath. "Okay. I really need drugs." He pressed the button on the remote. Down the hall, Lightning could hear the faint ding of the call bell sounding at the nurse's station.

"Get well soon," Lightning told him. "Have the hospital call me when they move you, okay?"

He nodded with a grimace. "Sure."

As she hobbled into the hallway, she spotted the police officer outside of her room, one of the same ones that had visited the last two days. She headed towards him, but he didn't notice her until she was a few feet away.

"Miss Farron," he addressed her politely. "I was wondering where you were. I'm glad to see you're up and about."

"Officer," she said.

"I'm afraid I'm back with the same questions," he told her with a wane smile. "Do you think you are able to answer them today?"

"Absolutely," she said. "I would be happy to."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

"What do you think?" Lightning asked as she lowered herself onto the couch.

Hope glanced through the sliding glass door, where below the balcony the water stretched out beneath the impossibly blue autumn sky towards the mountains in the distance. "It's quiet. It's the quietest place I've ever been to."

"Yeah. I think it's refreshing, actually." Lightning studied his profile. He glanced sidelong at her and smiled.

"I guess it is. It seems so…" He paused, searching for the words. "Natural. Untamed. Everything in Cocoon is manufactured and fake in comparison." He sat beside her on the couch, resting his arm along the back of it, then asked, "Do you miss it?"

"Miss what? My old life? Living in Eden?" Lightning shook her head. "No. Everything about it was…less than desirable."

"Everything?" The corner of Hope's mouth quirked.

"Well, no," Lightning conceded. "I suppose not." She paused, then added, "There are some aspects I miss. I was born and raised there. But for the most part, no."

"It's going to be an adjustment," Hope said after a minute. "But I'll get used to it."

"Are you staying?" Lightning questioned him, drawing in a breath.

"Coming back, yeah. I have to go back, you know, and get my affairs in order. It might take a month or two, but I'm coming back. I'll definitely be here before you're due." He kissed the top of her head.

Lightning fought to compose her face, though it was hard to fight the desire to grin from ear to ear. "Are you sure, Hope?" she asked, turning to look him in the face. "I know it's a lot to ask. I mean…"

"Yeah. I mean, how can I leave you now?" He put a hand under her chin and tilted it up, kissing her.

She drew back after a moment. "It's not just because I'm pregnant, right?"

"No. You're enough incentive on your own." He gave her a crooked smile.

She rested her head against him, and his arm slipped down around her shoulders. His posture seemed stiff. She glanced up at him. "Okay. What's wrong?"

He let out his breath. "You didn't really kill those two people, did you?"

"No," she answered him. "I did not."

"Sorry, Light. I just…" He paused. "You would've though, wouldn't you?"

"I was doing everything possible to avoid it," she said, sitting up. "But I wasn't going to trade me and my son's life for it. Not without a fight, anyway." She shrugged one shoulder. "What would you have preferred?"

"I would prefer - " Hope pulled her into his lap, careful of her injured leg " - that you not get into these situations in the first place." He brushed her hair back and laid a kiss on her throat. "Trouble magnet."

Lightning arched a brow. "Have we met?"

"I know, I know." He took her hand, pressing his lips against her fingertips. "I'm sorry."

"I'm going to ask you again; what would you have preferred? Be honest."

"I just…I don't want you to wind up in the same situation as before that got you here in the first place. But if it had come down to it, I would want you to do what you have to do."

"I almost paid the price, Hope," Lightning said quietly.

"And that very thought terrifies me," he said. After a minute, he asked, "What do you think will happen with your friend?"

"Noel? I don't know. He's a cop, you know. He seems pretty confident that everything will be okay."

"Who is he? I mean…" Hope cleared his throat. "You never mentioned buddying up with him before."

"He's a friend. An unlikely one, but a friend. He's…" Lightning paused. "He's helped me out a lot. But he's just a friend, Hope."

"I know. I'm not accusing you of anything," he said with a playful grin.

"He knew my sister."

"Really?" He tilted his head, watching her face.

"Yeah." She decided not to elaborate for the moment.

"It makes me feel better that you haven't been totally alone in this." His arms settled around her waist. "I wish I could've been here, though."

"Me too," Lightning said, ducking her head and resting her forehead against his. His hands slid under her shirt and up her sides. The fingers on his left hand paused in their ascent, tracing the jagged scar that curved around her hip.

"I remember this night," Hope murmured. "I thought I was going to lose it when you stumbled in bleeding half to death in my foyer."

"One of my many all time lows," Lightning said.

He kissed her then, and she returned it ardently, sinking her fingers into his hair. His hands moved over her bra, and he broke the kiss, moving his mouth down her neck.

"I want to make love to you, Light," he murmured.

"My luck, I'll become double pregnant."

"Even your luck isn't that bad." Hope kissed her again. "But if it makes you feel better, I brought protection."

"You brought condoms?" She raised her eyebrows at him. "Why do you even have those?"

He dropped his head with a groan. "Um, just in case you wanted to? I didn't know you were pregnant when I bought them. Once I decided I was going to come, I started packing."

"Okay, okay." Curling her fingers in his shirt, she began undoing the buttons one by one. "Then absolutely. Yes."

Afterwards, they laid entwined on the couch, Hope's face pressed against her neck. He ran his lips up to her jaw, then propped himself up on one elbow, his face inches from hers.

"Marry me," he whispered.

Lightning opened her eyes. "Okay," she said.

**...**

"Hey, you," Noel greeted as Lightning walked through the doorway. "You brought clothes, right?"

She held up a bag. "Of course." She set the bag down on the side of his cot, and he sat up gingerly to paw through it. He stole a glance at her as she pulled up a chair. She had that healthy glow that all pregnant women seemed to acquire, and even through the fading bruises and scrapes she was beautiful.

_Stop_, he chastised himself.

Lightning was the kind of person who didn't give out her trust, respect or friendship to just anyone. It had to be earned, and it was a rigorous test. The fact that he had passed was a privilege. He'd tried to rebuff it for both of their sakes, but he was honestly happy that she still wanted him around.

He could do this.

"I can't wait to wear actual clothes again. The gowns are a drag."

"Agreed," Lightning said, crossing her legs.

Noel eyed the fresh scar on her calf. "Did you just get your stitches out?"

"Yeah, this morning, before I dropped Hope off at the airport," she said. "It healed super fast. I was starting to get stitch tunnels already."

"I'm sorry," Noel said. "I bet you miss him already."

"It's okay." She smiled slightly. "He'll be back."

"So he is coming back?" He returned the smile. "That's great, Lightning. I'm happy for you. Everything's working out, huh?"

"Relatively," she said. "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"Don't," he told her. "You're due for some happiness."

"The world doesn't work on dues," she laughed. "I would know."

"Well, I'm a firm believer in karma." Noel started unsnapping the sleeves on his gown. "Better avert your eyes. I don't want to offend your delicate sensibilities."

"No way. Let's see your battle scars, soldier."

Unfastening the gown the rest of the way, he tugged it off. The wound, which had been large, jagged and gaping, had been neatly stitched into a more presentable eight inch line across his tanned abdomen.

Lightning leaned forward to get a better look. "That'll be an impressive scar," she said. "When do you get the stitches removed?"

"I've got another week on mine." He pulled on the t-shirt he'd picked, then slid a pair of jeans on under the covers. He admired the fact that Lightning had had the tact to pick one of his looser-fitting pairs that would settle low around his hips, so that the waistband wouldn't chafe against his stitches.

"Ready to go?" Lightning asked, glancing around small hospital room. Oerba General was not known for any of its luxuries.

"Ready enough, I guess." He slid off the bed and stood, grimacing slightly and placing a hand over his stomach. "Gotta stop by the nurses' station and pick up my prescriptions, that's it."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I mean…" He straightened. "They recommended that I hire a caretaker for the next couple of weeks, but I'd have to pay out of pocket for that."

Lightning frowned. "Noel, you live right down the hall. I can help you."

Noel laughed. "Sounds like a case of the blind leading the blind."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm pregnant, not disabled."

"I know," he said. "I'm just worried something would happen to you and I wouldn't be able to do anything. At least with your baby daddy here - "

"Hope."

" - I didn't have to worry about that. When is he coming back, anyway?"

"A month or two," she answered.

"He's cutting it kind of close, isn't he?"

"Yeah, but it's necessary. He can't just drop everything and pack his bags."

"Well, he could, but…"

"Obviously, but it wouldn't be smart."

"That's what I was going to say," Noel said.

"Sorry. Like I was saying, I can just come get you once you're discharged and take you back home. Doctor told me I can't work until after the baby is born to be on the safe side, so I won't have anything better to do."

"Are you sure, Lightning? I mean, you have enough to worry about."

"Yeah. Speaking of things I'm worrying about…" She tilted her head. "What's going on with the case?"

"Well, they took my gun away," Noel said.

She bit her lip. "Shit, Noel. Do you think they'll take your badge, too?"

"Well, it's kind of standard for a cop's gun to be taken away when he's involved in a shooting. Standard procedure. It seems like it'll all be pretty cut and dry anyway, from what they've told me." It wasn't, but he wasn't going to worry her with it. Aside from the fact that Lightning's fingerprints were on the gun, they were also concerned about her curiously empty background - not even a birth record could be found on her. Noel figured it had to do with whatever Lightning's past entailed, and why she was on Pulse in the first place.

No, if things with the case went south, she would find out soon enough anyway. No point in stacking another burden on her shoulders if it wasn't necessary.

"Good. I'm glad."

After slipping on his sneakers, Noel ran a hand through his hair and smiled at Lightning. "Ready when you are."

**...**

"This place looks like a bomb went off in it," Noel remarked as they stepped inside Lightning's apartment. Open boxes and plastic wrap were strewn about the unit, and pages of assembly directions scattered across the dining table.

Lightning nodded and pushed her hair away from her face. "Hope and I went shopping," she said. "We spent most of our time getting the nursery ready. It took ages to assemble the crib." One corner of her mouth quirked slightly. "Neither of us could make heads or tails of the directions."

"Really? Let's see it."

Lightning opened the door to the second bedroom and turned the light on, and Noel peered inside. The room had been repainted a pale green, and the crib and changing table were a dark mahogany wood. A rocking recliner was placed in the corner of the room beside the window, which was covered with a gauzy yellow curtain.

"You two got a lot done in a week," Noel said. "I'm impressed." He walked over towards the crib, running a hand over the smooth wood. "You fastened the furniture to the wall? Smart idea."

When Lightning didn't answer, he walked back over to her. "Hey," he said.

She looked up, blinking. "Hm?"

"You're a million miles away," Noel said softly.

Lightning shifted her gaze around the room. "I suppose I was."

"Are you scared?" he asked.

She crossed her arms and shook her head. After a moment, she sighed. "Yeah, I guess," she admitted. "I've never been afraid of anything in my life until now. It's just…I don't know. Too many variables, too many unknowns. I don't want to fuck up. I've already made enough of a mess of my own life, how can I be responsible for someone else's?"

Noel looked back at the room, then wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Well, I have faith in you," he said. "You'll make a great mom."

"That'll remain to be seen, I guess," she said.

He squeezed her shoulder. "Well, Uncle Noel will keep you in line."

A smile tugged at her mouth and she dropped her arms. As she did, he noticed something glinting on her left hand, and he felt his stomach clench. He caught her arm and she gave him a startled look.

"Some rock," he said, examining the ring on her finger. It was elegant in its simplicity, a solitaire diamond framed by smaller stones embedded in the silver band. An engagement ring, no doubt about it. How in the world had he missed it?

"It's not," she murmured.

"Congratulations," he said.

"Thank you."

"I suppose that's the next step. Might as well, right?"

Lightning gave him a strange look. "What's up, Noel?"

"Nothing," he said, flashing a smile. "Were you going to tell me? Or just let me guess on my own?"

"It wasn't foremost on my mind."

"Bullshit. You just got engaged. What girl wouldn't have that foremost on their mind?"

She stared at him, disbelief turning to anger. "Are you serious? Do you know how worried I've been about you? How relieved I am that you're home? _That_ was foremost on my mind. Is that so fucking hard to believe? Why would I omit this from you?" She waved her hand. "What's the problem? I don't understand."

His throat was tight. "I'm gonna go," he said.

She sighed, rubbing her face with both hands. "Noel."

"No," he said. "It's okay. It's cool. I'll catch you later." He left the room and went for the front door. She followed him. She grabbed for his hand but he jerked away from him.

"Don't," she said.

"I'm fine," Noel told her. "It's okay."

"Noel…why?"

He looked at her, then quickly away, and let himself out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

Lightning didn't even bother knocking. Using the spare key Noel had given her weeks ago, she unlocked the door to his apartment and stepped inside. She had given him a couple hours to chill out, and would've given him more if it hadn't been for the fact he'd just been discharged from the hospital and still wasn't one hundred percent. She wasn't really looking forward to confronting her best friend, but his outrageous reaction warranted a talk.

The living room was dark, the sun having set already. Looking over the back of the sectional, she saw Noel sprawled out on his back, his face averted and eyes shut. Lightning walked around it and sat down by his head, tugging on a lock of his hair. He groaned.

"Lift your head," she said. He complied, dropping his head into her lap once she'd moved over. She pushed his hair out of his face. "You're an ass," she said matter-of-factly.

"I know," he mumbled.

She waited, but when he didn't continue, she said, "Care to elaborate?"

"Not especially."

"Noel…"

He turned his face away. "Can we just…sit here for a minute?"

Lightning sat back. "Fine." She found her own eyes slipping shut, the events of the day catching up with her. It felt like it had been a million years since she'd driven Hope to the airport that morning. She already missed him, how normal he made her feel - like everything was going to be okay, like whatever problems they had weren't beyond repair. Opening her eyes again, she stared at the ceiling. Less than three months, she told herself.

After a few minutes, Noel said, "I'm sorry."

She looked at him as he sat up, fussing with his hair. "So what was that all about?"

"I…don't know." He crossed his arms, huddling into the plush cushions of the sofa. "It's just weird."

"How so?"

"Because!" He sighed. "Lightning, you haven't even known this guy a year and you're marrying him. You've been apart from him for longer than you've physically been with him. You couldn't even get him to come see you until you essentially forced his hand, and he comes and sees you're having his kid so he pops the question. You don't think that's a little fucked up?"

"Yeah, you got me, Noel," Lightning snapped. "Disregard all the shit he's done for me, or the possibility that I love him, or even the fact that you don't know him at all - "

"I don't need to know him, Lightning, his actions speak clear enough."

"Do you even know _me_ at all?"

Noel flinched, then glared at her. "I could argue I know you better than he does."

"I don't even know where any of this is coming from, Noel, I really don't. But if you did know me, then you'd know I never do anything I don't want to, unless I have to. I don't _have_ to marry him, and I wouldn't unless I absolutely wanted to. And you're right, in the scheme of things, I haven't known him long at all. This isn't the future I envisioned for myself, at all. But here I am, and I have to make the pieces fit together somehow. I have an obligation to my kid to make things work. Maybe in the long run Hope and I won't work. But I have to try because I want my son to have his father, and I know Hope will be a good one. And if I didn't love him, I would've never said yes."

"Because impending divorce will be so much easier on him," Noel said sullenly. "Did he come here planning on marrying you? Spring a ring on you?"

Lightning looked at him. "What is your problem?"

"I don't know," he mumbled.

"Yes, you do."

His lips parted, but instead of speaking, he just shook his head. After a moment, he said, "Why are you here?"

"Because I'm worried about you - "

He finally looked at her. "I mean here, in Oerba."

Lightning gave him a rueful smile. "You really want to know?"

"Yes."

"I killed someone. Two people, actually."

His gaze met hers. "So you're a murderer."

"I guess so," Lightning said, voice flat.

"Why?"

"The first one was guy in my platoon when we were stationed here. He was…assaulting a young girl. And I couldn't make him stop. So I killed him. I was discharged from the army for that. The second one was at a club I worked at. Same deal. He wouldn't stop either. So…"

"So you're an unsung hero."

She snorted. "No, I'm a murderer, like you said. And I have my regrets. But in the end…"

"Two girls went unharmed. That seems worthy enough to me," Noel said softly.

Lightning shut her eyes briefly. "I wish I could've done it another way."

He got on his knees, leaned over and hugged her then, and it so sudden that she flinched in surprise. "I'm sorry, Lightning," he said into her hair. "I'm really sorry. For everything. For being an asshole, for all the shit that happened to you. I'm sorry."

She relaxed a little. "It's fine, Noel. None of that shit is your fault. Other than the asshole part, for whatever reason you're being one, but you can fix that."

He paused. "You really want to know why?"

"I deserve to know, I think," she answered wryly.

Noel shuddered, his arms squeezing her shoulders tighter, and lowered his head. He pushed his face close, inches from hers, and suddenly Lightning heard her sister's voice echoing in her head.

_It's someone else._

"Noel," she breathed. "Don't."

"I know." He sat back, releasing her. "Shit! I know that, I fucking know that." He shook his head, sinking both hands into his hair and laughed, and it was a deranged sound. "God help me, Lightning, but I love you."

"No," she said.

"But I do. Isn't that fucked up?" He stood up, pacing the length of the living room a few times. "I knew I could never have you, but for some reason, I wanted to take a chance. When you and Hope were fighting, I thought, maybe…I just…"

"Stop," Lightning said, her stomach clenching. As if in response, the baby kicked, and she placed a hand over her side. "Please, Noel, just stop." If he stopped, they might be able to salvage their friendship yet, but he seemed hell-bent on destroying it piece by piece with his confession.

Noel's eyes lit on her hand, and he said, "And your son, too. I love him. I loved him the minute I saw him in the ultrasound, and when he started moving when I played the piano, and - "

A numb kind of horror was dawning on her. "This is about Serah, isn't it? Serah and your kid."

"No! It's not, Lightning. This is between you and me."

"I don't believe that," Lightning said. "Not at all. I think you just feel obligated to me because of what happened with her. And_ that _is fucked up."

"It's not," Noel whispered miserably.

"How not? It has to be, at least in part."

"Maybe in the beginning, if you want me to be completely honest. But it's not like that anymore." He passed a hand over his face, expression pained. "I guess this is a futile conversation."

"I guess so," she murmured.

Noel gestured to the door. "Just go, Lightning. You got your explanation."

She got up, walking slowly to the door. She looked back at him, but his back was to her as he stared out the window. "Where do we go from here?" she asked.

"Nowhere," he said, his voice empty. "Please, go."

Lightning hesitated. "Noel, are you…"

He bowed his head, fists clenching. "Go."

She went, locking the door behind her. As she did so, her phone began to ring, and the sound startled her.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Light," Hope greeted her. "I just wanted to let you know I got back to Eden okay."

She exhaled sharply. "Good. Now hurry up and get back here."

Hope laughed. "That's my modus operandi."

"Yeah, I know. Just…the sooner the better."

"Agreed. I miss you already, Light."

"I miss you, too. Every time we're separated, I feel like…" _My world falls apart a little bit more._

"What's wrong?" he asked.

She hesitated, then said, "Nothing. Just…I miss you a lot."

"Well, the time will fly. Tomorrow I'm going to meet with a real estate agent about the penthouse."

"Alright," Lightning said. "I mean…you're sure, right?"

"More sure than anything in the world," he assured her. "Anyway, I need to unpack. I love you, Light."

"I love you, too," she murmured. As she hung up, it suddenly struck her that it was the first time she'd ever returned it. She wondered if Hope had even noticed. Not even a minute later the phone rang once more.

"Did you say what I think you said?" Hope said once she answered.

"Maybe…"

He laughed, and it was a wondering sound. "It was just so natural, I guess."

Lightning couldn't help but smile. "I suppose it is."

"You have no idea how happy that makes me."

"Who knew three words were the key to your heart?"

"Yeah, who knew." She could hear the smile in his voice. "Not that I ever really doubted that you loved me, it's just…nice to hear it. I guess that's stupid."

"It's not." She paused, then said, "And I did always love you. I just…"

"I know," he interrupted gently. "Alright, I'm going for real this time. Love you." He hung up once more.

Lightning pocketed her phone with a sigh, letting herself into her own apartment. She nearly collapsed on her bed, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands. Her mind drifted back to what Noel had said. It was like he'd managed to target every doubt in her about everything with Hope.

Of course she was worried it was a mistake - that they wouldn't last. Sure, she'd barely known Hope a year, if that. It wasn't an ideal situation at all. But there was more at stake than her own happiness; their son's was as well. She knew she had to try, for his sake.

And there was a small part of her that was excited.

When Hope was finally back, it would be a far larger part. At that point in time, however, it was difficult to do. She had less than three months to go, and barring a miracle, it seemed she would be doing it on her own.

"Shit," she whispered with feeling.

**...**

It was well after midnight when Hope's phone rang. He stuck his hand out from under the covers, reaching for it on his bedside table. The number on the display was not familiar, but it was from pulse. Anxiety gripped him as he answered the call. "Hello?" he said.

"Is this Hope?" He did not recognize the voice.

"Yes," he replied.

"Look," the man said, "I don't know what you're doing, but you really think marrying Lightning just because she's having your kid is going to solve anything?"

"Excuse me?" Hope was wide awake now. He sat up, switching the phone to his other ear. "Who is this?"

"I'm not trying to be an asshole or anything," he continued. "I'm just looking out for her, you know. And I think that you're making a mistake."

"This is Noel, isn't it," he said, rubbing his face with one hand. "How did you get my number?"

The other end was silent for a moment. "It doesn't matter," he finally said.

"It's really none of your business," Hope told him. "And Eden is five hours ahead of Pulse, so if you'll excuse me - "

"Yeah, sure," Noel said, deceivingly affable. "No problem. Must be cozy in your little penthouse castle. You sure you'll be able to survive out here?"

Hope's stomach was churning at this point. "What exactly are you hoping to accomplish from this call? Scare me off? Make me doubt the decision? Listen, I appreciate that you've been there for Lightning, more than you know. It really kills me that I wasn't there for her through all of this, and I'm glad that she had you. But calling me like this is really kind of crazy."

Noel was silent.

"It's between Lightning and me where we go from here. Not you."

"Yeah. You think you're actually going to be here in time to even see the kid be born?"

"I absolutely will," Hope snapped. Shaking his head, he ran a hand through his tousled hair. "You know what? Enough of this. I'm done. Goodbye."

"You - " Noel was cut off as Hope ended the call. He tossed it back onto the nightstand and slumped down in bed, pulling the covers over his head.

Was Noel a threat? Overprotective friend, or...

"No," he whispered. He had to trust Lightning. He _did_ trust her.

He loved her.

So why did he feel so sick?

With reluctance, he picked his phone up again and texted Lightning.

_Did you give Noel my number?_

Within moments he had a reply: _No. Why._

_He just called me._

His phone came alive in his hands as it rang, and he picked it up.

"What do you mean, he called you?" Lightning said.

"Exactly as it sounds."

"What the hell did he say?"

"Just…stuff about us."

"You and me, you mean."

"Yes."

She muttered a curse under her breath. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'll take care of it."

"Light…"

"What?"

He hesitated, then said, "Nothing."

"Well. I'll talk to him. I'm really sorry again. I know it's late."

"Yeah," he said dryly.

"I'd be mad too. I am mad, actually. Furious. He crossed a line." She sighed. "Okay. I'll let you go. I love you."

He smiled. "I love you, too."

He hung up, and wondered.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes:** t's midnight, I have work at 5am and I totally didn't proofread this because I wanted to get it out to you guys asap, so sorry for any errors. Enjoy!

**Chapter Ten**

"Who is she, Kreiss?"

The police chief leaned back in his chair, his hands folded on his stomach. Noel sat across from him at the chief's desk, his expression betraying nothing.

"This is strictly off the record. I don't want to lose you, you know. You've been through a lot. I had my own daughter do the work up in the lab - you've met her? Lina? - and absolutely nothing comes up on those prints. Not one thing. But I had her report they matched up with Ballad's. So you can do me the courtesy of satisfying my curiosity, hm?"

"I don't know," Noel said. "Not really. I know she's from Cocoon. I don't know…what she's done or anything."

"Interesting," the chief mused, "how she flew under the radar."

"Interesting," Noel agreed.

"Well, if that's all I'm going to get out of you…" He eyed Noel as he stood. "You're off the hook. When do you come back?"

"Doc says I an be back on light duty next week."

"You mean desk jockey duty."

Noel laughed. "Sir."

"Alright, go. Get better soon. It'll be good to have you back."

"Thank you, sir."

Noel slid behind the wheel of his police cruiser and headed home. His insurance was dragging their feet on the reimbursement check they owed on his totaled car; until then, he was using the cruiser. He peered at the sky through the windshield, noting the foreboding heaviness of the thick, low-lying grey clouds, promising an early snowfall. Winter had never been his favorite season. At least he'd have nowhere to be for the next week, if he was house bound.

He pulled into his apartment complex minutes later, checked his predictably empty mailbox, and headed up the stairs to his unit as the first snowflakes began to fall. His fingers pressed against his stomach, feeling through his t-shirt the thick scar tissue that kept his insides where they belonged. He shuddered. It was tight and uncomfortable when he moved, but infinitely better than having his guts exposed.

He was glad that he still had a job. He'd been worried that Lightning's prints on the gun - and of course, the cover up he would've inevitably tried to pull to protect her that would've gotten him fired for sure.

After all, Noel would need something to dedicate himself to. Lightning was off the menu.

It hurt to accept. He wanted it worse than anything. So much so that he'd manage to destroy his chances effortlessly on every level possible.

He'd never felt the way about someone as he did with Lightning and her unborn son. He had forged a connection so deep with them that he'd thought that it would've been an impossible cord to sever. He'd thought wrong, of course.

That nagging voice in the back of his head: _is it because of Serah? _Always, that thought, accompanied by an intense guilt.

He hadn't seen Lightning in days. Only a curt text message saying to call if she needed him. So much for being his caretaker. Not that he blamed her. She was in no position to care for him, and he had fucked up anyway.

Noel idly brushed the melting flakes off of his jacket as he put his key in the door, only to find it unlocked. Alarmed, he pushed the door open a crack and peeked in.

Lightning turned from where she was standing at the sliding glass door that led to the balcony. Was it just Noel, or had her pregnant belly grown considerably? Perhaps the first 7 months she had looked no different, but now it looked like she was smuggling a basketball under her shirt. It was cute. Noel would've smiled if it weren't for the fury on her fair face.

"Where were you?" she asked, her calm tone at odds with her angry expression.

"The PD," he answered, locking the door behind him and hanging his keys on the peg on the wall. "How long have you been waiting?"

"Don't worry about it." She turned back to the window, watching the snow.

In a stiff movement, he shrugged out of his jacket and hung it over the back of a chair. Although his stomach didn't exactly hurt, per se, he still expected it too. He took a seat in the same chair and waited.

It was so hard. Hard to see her like this, harder to keep his own emotions in check. _It's not about me, it's about her. _

After a moment, she took a deep breath. "I am really, _really_ mad at you."

"Okay," he said.

She spun around, eyes flashing. As she moved, her hand went to her stomach and she winced.

"Are you alright?" he asked, concerned. He started to get up.

"Braxton-Hicks," she mumbled. "I think. Don't bother." She sat down on the couch across from him. "You know, a few nights ago, I was ready to come tear your door down and rip you from limb to limb, thanks to that little stunt you pulled when you called Hope."

Noel forced his face to be impassive, a chore in and of itself. "I'm sorry," he murmured. He wasn't really. He hadn't said anything that he didn't think wasn't true. He was sorry that it had only served to upset her. He was also sorry that Hope deemed it necessary to bother is pregnant girlfriend - sorry, fiancé - about it.

"But I didn't," she continued. "Obviously. Because after I stopped and thought about it, I realized that you only did it because you care about me. It was a bad idea, but you had good intentions. And you…you're hurting too."

"It was selfish of me," Noel said. "I shouldn't have done it. And I'm really sorry that it upset you."

"You're right," Lightning answered. "You shouldn't have. But…"

"No buts," he interrupted. "I am sorry about that. I don't want to upset you. I…" He stopped himself. "I don't want to stress you out anymore, okay? You have a lot on your plate."

They sat in silence for awhile. "I miss you," Lightning said after a time.

Noel smiled slightly. "I miss you too," he replied. "But things can't be the way they were, you know. They just…can't. And I guess the sooner we move on from that idea, the better it will be in the long run."

Lightning gazed at him with dull eyes, then dropped her head. "I don't want that."

"Nor do I. But there's no healthy way for us to…coexist. All of us. Me, you, your man. If I thought I could do it, I would. But I can't, Lightning. I just can't. It hurts too much. Whatever you may think of me, or my motives, at the end of the day, I want to be with you. I want to raise your son like he's my own. I want that so bad. I won't get in the way, though. If Hope wants to step up to the plate - it's his son. I'm glad that he is. And I hope you guys will be a happy family together. But there's no way for me to fit in that equation without causing problems. I have to remove myself completely - to protect you, and to protect myself. Do you understand?"

Another silence stretched between them, and then Noel realized that Lightning was crying, the only clue being her shaking shoulders. Startled, he stood and went to her. "Are you okay?" he asked.

She didn't look up. "No. Not especially."

He hesitated for a moment, then sat down beside her, wrapping his arms around her. When she stiffened in his embrace, he began to let go, but she said, "Don't."

Noel sighed softly and dropped his head against her neck. "I don't know what you want from me, Lightning. I honest to god do not."

"How did you get Hope's number?" she asked, her voice muffled.

"Out of your phone." He squeezed her shoulder. "Sorry. Again."

She lifted her head and looked at him. "I wish things were different."

"Different how?"

She stood abruptly, and he dropped his arms. "That this would work."

"_What_ would?"

"Us!" Lightning turned away from him, back towards the windows. "I'm scared."

"You?"

"Yes." She pressed her hands to the glass. "Scared that I've made a mistake."

Noel watched her from his seat on the couch. "You can rectify mistakes," he said quietly. "Or stop them from becoming bigger ones."

"I used to think that," Lightning said. She straightened. "I made my choice. I have to live with it."

"Sure," Noel said. "It's okay when you only have yourself to be responsible for. But you don't."

"I know." She dropped her hands. "Shit! You think I don't know that? That I don't spend every minute wondering if I'm doing right by my son? That even keeping him - "

"Don't say that," Noel said, his voice hoarse. "Don't fucking say that, Lightning."

"I'm just so riddled with doubt all the time," she said, her voice broken. "I hate it. I hate it so much."

He got up then and stood behind her. "If I could fix everything, I would. In a heartbeat. If there was a wand I could wave to make everything okay for you, I would do that, even if it meant I didn't get to be with you. If I could tell you what to do to guarantee your happiness, whatever the cost and whatever the outcome, I'd do it. But nothing in life is like that. There are no guarantees. We make leaps of faith and hope that whatever at the bottom with catch us. It's all we can do." He stepped closer to her. "Follow your instincts, Lightning. What do they tell you?"

She spun around. "They tell me I fucked up, Noel! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Perhaps there had been a point where it would've been. Instead, the words only served to make Noel feel sick. "No," he said.

"Why?" Just like that, she went from fury to tears again. "Isn't that what you want? It means I should've picked you."

"Did you not hear what I just said? I said I want you to be happy, whether that means I'm in the picture or not. This indecision, this second-guessing…"

She stared up at him with a morose expression, then turned her face away. "It's nothing new," she whispered.

"Then why…"

"Because it's the right thing to do. Isn't it? To _try_, at least."

"Is that what your gut tells you?" he asked gently.

"My gut currently houses a baby who thinks he's running a goddamn marathon." She sighed. "I don't know, Noel. I just don't. And I really hate it."

"I'm sorry, Lightning. I really am."

She dropped her head against his chest and his arms went around her again, his chin atop her hair. "I wish you would stay," she said.

"It's not a good idea," he told her. "We both know it."

"I know. I still want it."

"Me too, sweetheart. Me too."

She looked up at him, their gazes locking. And knowing full well that it was a terrible idea and that he absolutely shouldn't, he did what he wanted to do since what felt like forever.

Noel kissed her.

Lightning's hands balled into fists against his chest, and he expected her to shove him away. He moved to break the kiss, but instead she pulled him closer, kissing him deeper. His arms slid down around her waist and he held her tight as his lips worked against hers, his mouth parting under the insistent probe of her tongue -

He backed away. "No," he said. "Lightning. We can't."

She watched him, her face strangely hollow. "I know," she said. "I just…wanted to. One time." And suddenly she was doubled over, her arms going around her stomach.

Noel rushed back to her side, grabbing her hand. "Lightning?"

"Noel," she said between gritted teeth, her fingers digging into her abdomen.

"Oh, god," Noel said, his stomach doing a swift flip. "The baby?"

"Call an ambulance," she said, easing herself to the floor. "And Hope. Call Hope."

There was blood on her inner thighs.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

"Are you really taking all this stuff to the thrift store?" Snow asked, poking his head in one of the boxes stacked by the door.

"Yeah. There's no way I'm bringing everything on a plane. And I donated my furniture; it gets picked up in a few days." Hope folded down the top of another box, this one full of dishes. "I didn't realize how much _stuff_ I had."

"Donated?" Snow whistled. "Wouldn't it have been better to sell?"

"Would take too long, and I figured it'd be the better thing to do. Thanks again for helping me," Hope added, rubbing the back of his neck. His palm came away with a fine sheen of sweat.

"No problem," Snow said with a wink of a blue eye. "Future sibling and all."

Hope laughed softly. "I guess so," he said, walking over to the thermostat and turning the heat down a few degrees.

"I can't believe you're leaving too," Snow remarked. "I mean, I get why…but…"

"I know. It's weird."

"Maybe I'll move there too," the taller man mused. "Not like I got much left here."

Hope ducked his head, fiddling with a fraying edge of cardboard on another box. "Yeah. You're going to be an uncle."

Snow grinned. "Damn right! The best uncle that kid's ever gonna have."

Snow was never told the extent of why Lightning had suddenly left - only that she had left for better opportunities that her dishonorable discharge prevented her from having here. He had bought the story easily enough; since Serah's death, the man seemed mostly preoccupied anyway. Even after Lightning had left, Hope had tried to keep in touch with her brother-in-law, for his sake more than anything. Snow had latched onto the proffered friendship like a drowning man to floating driftwood. Hearing about her pregnancy had seemed to cheer him.

"The only one," Hope pointed out as his phone began buzzing in his pocket. He pulled it out; seeing Lightning's number, his heart plummeted. She rarely called him this late.

"Light?" he answered briskly.

"It's Noel. Listen…"

"Did something happen to Light?" he interrupted. _Please, please no. _

"Yeah. I don't know. I'm following the ambulance now. Her stomach's been cramping all day and she started bleeding, I don't know. It might be premature labor."

Hope dragged a hand down his face. "No," he groaned. "God, no. It's too early. She's barely twenty eight weeks."

"I know," Noel answered, the misery palpable in his tone. "We're heading to Oerba General. Labor and Delivery."

"I'll be on the first plane there. Keep me updated, please. And…take care of her."

"I will. I swear," Noel said, then hung up.

Snow was staring at him from across the room. "I'm going too," he said.

Hope hesitated, then nodded. "Okay," he acquiesced, dialing the airline's number. "Two seats, then."

Snow folded his arms as he waited for Hope to speak with the travel agent, tapping a booted foot anxiously.

"We gotta leave now," Hope told him after he had booked the flight, shoving his phone back into the pocket of his jeans. "The flight leaves in less than an hour."

"Then let's roll." Snow grabbed Hope's keys off the counter and tossed them to the other man. "We can get clothes or something there."

Hope pulled on his coat. _Please, god,_ he thought as he followed Snow to the elevator. _Please let everything be okay. We've been through so much already - for once, let everything be okay._

_**…**_

"Are you the father?" a bespectacled woman in a white coat asked Noel as she stepped into the otherwise empty L&D waiting room.

Noel stood abruptly. "I…no. I'm not. I'm a friend. A good friend. Noel Kreiss."

"I'm Dr. Bhakti," she said, offering her hand.

He accepted it with a brief shake. "How is she?"

"We've found the source of the problem. Placenta previa."

"And what the hell does that mean?" Noel snapped, his nerves beyond frayed.

"It means," the doctor explained, ignoring Noel's outburst, "that the placenta is covering the cervix. Normally the placenta attaches closer to the top of the uterus, but when it attaches near the bottom, it causes this condition. It commonly causes bleeding at the end of the second trimester or beginning of the third, which Lightning just entered."

"So…?" he prompted.

"Often with placenta previa, the bleeding can become serious enough that the baby needs to be delivered by C-section before labor actually occurs. Otherwise the mother can hemorrhage and die."

"Is Lightning in labor?"

"No," the doctor answered, and Noel let out a relieved sigh. "But she is bleeding a lot," she added, adjusting her glasses. "It has worsened since she arrived here. If we can't stop the bleeding, then we will have to perform an emergency C-section for both her and her baby's survival."

Noel swore under his breath. "Is he going to be able to survive?"

"He will have better chances than a baby born earlier than twenty-eight weeks," the doctor answered, "but we're hopeful that we can stop the bleeding." She inclined her head slightly. "We will keep you updated, Mr. Kreiss."

Noel sank down in a chair, burying his face in his hands, the same desperate litany running through his head as it had for the past couple of hours. _Please let her be okay, please let the baby be okay._

He lifted his head and gnawed savagely at a hangnail, staring at the floor. _Please let her be okay, please let the baby be okay. Please let them __**both**__ be okay._

It was unfair. So unfair. And yet, in spite of the intense worry, his mind kept flitting back to the kiss they shared in his living room. And now Hope was on his way - the veritable calvary riding to the rescue; but even in this, Hope would have no power to make things better.

_It's not my place to interfere,_ he told himself.

_Or is it? _the devil on his shoulder whispered. _Haven't you been there for her this whole time? Wasn't it you who took her to the hospital four months ago? Wasn't it you accompanying her to her ultrasounds? Don't you deserve her and her son?_

"If everyone in the world got what they deserved, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place," Noel mused. The nurse at the reception window gave him a queer look, which he disregarded.

The minutes stretched to another hour. He stared at the door that the doctor had entered by, with its sign that read "Only Hospital Staff Beyond This Point", but it remained firmly shut. He fought the manic urge to go through it himself and run down the hall, shouting demands to know what was happening. How long could it possibly take to stop bleeding - or figure out that they couldn't? What if they were performing a C-section on her right now and hadn't bothered telling him?

_Please let them both be okay._

He didn't even notice the entry door opening until he heard Hope say his name. His head snapped up to look at the other man; snowflakes were melting in his hair and dusted the shoulders of his jacket, his face was creased with exhaustion and worry. And behind him…

_"Snow?" _Noel sputtered in disbelief.

Hope gave him a confused look before comprehension dawned on his features. "Right," he said. "Noel, this is Snow Villiers, Lightning's brother-in…"

"I know who he is," Noel cut him off.

Snow was giving him an appraising look. "You look familiar. Have we met?"

"We went to high school together," Noel grated out, balling his hands into fists. _Why am I so angry?_

"Small world, huh?" Snow gave him a winning smile. "I guess you do look familiar…"

"How is Light?" Hope said, stepping forward.

"Don't know really," Noel answered, flexing his fingers. "It's not labor. Yet. Something about the placenta being in the wrong place and causing bleeding."

"Placenta previa?"

Hope and Noel looked at Snow. His face was bloodless, his lips trembling.

"I think so," Noel said slowly.

"God in heaven. That's how Serah died. That's exactly it. She was hemorrhaging and they couldn't stop it, they were trying to deliver the baby but it was too much blood loss - " Snow spun towards the other door and tried it; naturally, it was locked. He opted to bang on it instead.

"Sir," the nurse at the desk said in alarm.

"She's gonna die!" Snow said, his gloved fist threatening to dent the metal door.

Hope grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the door. Snow allowed himself to be wretched away, his chest heaving, face threatening to crumble. "Stop it. We don't know that for sure." He looked to Noel. "Did they give you a prognosis?"

Noel's own stomach was tying itself into a hundred knots. _As history repeats itself. _"They're trying to stop the bleeding," he said. "The doctor said if they can't, they have to give her an emergency C-section."

Hope's brows furrowed. "Is the baby viable this early? Did they say?"

"Maybe." Or maybe Lightning was going to end up like Serah.

"You will be asked to leave if he tries that nonsense again," the nurse scolded them.

"He won't," Hope promised, walking over to her. "Is there any way we can get an update on my fiancee's condition? I'm the father."

"What is your name?"

"Hope Estheim."

"I see," she said, casting a dubious glance at the other two and picking up a phone. "If you'll have a seat. I'll let you know if the doctor can tell me anything."

"Yes ma'am. Thank you."

The three of them sat down, Snow settling into a sullen silence, Hope messing with his phone, Noel jiggling a leg and gnawing on his lower lip.

"What are you doing?" he asked Hope after a moment.

"Looking up placenta previa," he answered.

"Is it hereditary or something? How can they both have the same goddamned thing?" Snow wondered aloud.

"Well, if you give me a sec…"

Noel stared at the reception window, which the nurse had closed. Through the dimpled, blurry glass he could just barely make out her form as she hunched over the the phone, her head nodding vague yes's or no's.

"Placenta previa," Hope said after a moment, "is not hereditary."

"Give me that." Snow snatched the phone from Hope's hands and started scrolling down the screen, his lips moving silently as he read whatever website Hope had pulled up.

"It must be a coincidence, then," Snow said. "Or they have weird shaped uteruses or whatever."

_Or history repeats itself._ "Let's not talk about Lightning's uterus," Noel said.

"Why? It's not irrelevant."

"Guys," Hope said, placating.

"Let me see that," Noel demanded. Snow passed him the phone from where he sat opposite of Hope, and Noel looked through the causes himself. "Abortion," he said after a minute, dropping the phone into Hope's lap.

Snow gave him a weird look. "What?"

"Abortion," Noel said, "can increase the risk of previa."

"So what? Neither of them have had abortions. Or Serah didn't, anyway."

"Are you sure about that?" Noel said.

Hope was watching Noel's face. His eyes widened suddenly, as is recalling a memory. "Wait, Noel -"

Snow stood up so abruptly that his chair fell over in the process. "What the fuck are you trying to say?"

Noel glared up at him. "I'm saying that maybe she didn't tell you everything about her life."

The blonde man yanked Noel out of his chair by the collar of his sweatshirt. "Don't you _ever _fucking say a word about my wife," he hissed.

Hope furled a hand in Snow's sleeve. "Will you sit down?"

Noel bared his teeth in a fierce grin. "Nothing that's not true. She had an abortion in high school, before she dated you."

"Shut your fucking mouth," Snow growled.

"I know, because it was _mine_."

He didn't even see it coming, though he knew it would. Snow's fist connected with his jaw in a solid punch and Noel staggered backwards, his vision blacking out. He heard Hope yelling at Snow as they scuffled, heard the damn receptionist screaming for security. He slumped back into another chair, wiping the blood that oozed out of the corner of his mouth. He flinched as a cold compress was pressed against his face and he opened his eyes to see Hope kneeling in front of him.

"You deserved that," he said quietly.

"I know." He took the ice pack from Hope and adjusted it on his face. "Where's Snow?"

"They took him outside. Why did you say that to him?"

Noel gave him a sullen look. "I don't know," he answered.

Hope hesitated, then asked, "Is it true?"

"Yes." Noel swallowed, tasting more blood. He pressed his tongue experimentally against his teeth; nothing was loose, but he did have a cut on the inside of his cheek.

"Light never told me."

"She didn't know it herself, until I told her a little while ago."

As Hope stood up, the doctor came through the door.

"Mr. Estheim?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"Ms. Farron would like to see you. Now."

"Is she…okay?"

The doctor held out her hand. "Come with me," she said.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes: **Encoder is almost done, and I'm trying to wrap it up quickly. I've dragged it out too long, to the point where I don't really like it anymore; there are other story ideas I'd much rather focus on at this point. So it goes. But in spite of everything, I'm still glad you guys still enjoy it and I owe it to you all to finish it. :) Thanks for the continued support! It means so much to me.

**Chapter Twelve**

"What is going on?" Hope asked as he followed Dr. Bhakti down the hall.

"Emergency caesarian," she answered briskly, opening the door to a narrow hallway with a sink, with windows and another door into what appeared to be the operating room. Through the window, Hope could see a team of nurses gathered around a hospital bed, preparing a body - Lightning's - for the pending surgery. Hope's heart leapt at the sight of it, and he bit down hard on his lip.

"Scrub up," one of the nurses in the hall said to Hope, gesturing to a sink, as the doctor went into the OR. Hope obligingly washed his hands, then donned the scrubs he was given. He tucked his hair into the cap and pulled on his gloves, his worry outweighing the vague silliness he felt in the protective wear.

"Alright, follow me," the nurse said, leading Hope into the OR. A drape had been erected across Lightning's body, effectively covering her lower half. Lightning turned her head and looked up at him as he approached, her face pale and drawn. Still, she managed a small smile at him as he bent down beside her.

"Hey, you," she said.

"Hey," he whispered.

"I was surprised to hear you were here already," she said, as he brushed her hair out of her eyes. Pulling his mask down, he dropped a quick kiss on her forehead.

"Of course I am," he replied. "I wouldn't miss this for anything."

Lightning's gaze slid away from him. "I fucked up."

"Hm?"

"I fucked up," she repeated.

"You're going to have to elaborate for me, sweetheart."

She looked at him then, her face weary. "I kissed Noel."

Hope blinked at her, then shook his head and laughed. "That's it?"

Lightning stared up at him, brows furrowed. "You aren't mad?"

He groped for her hand and squeezed. "No. I absolutely don't care that you shared one measly kiss with him. You know what I care about? You popping out a nice healthy Hope Jr. and us making a future together. As a family. That is literally all I care about, now and forever."

"Really?" she asked.

"Can you feel that?" inquired one of the obstetricians from beyond the makeshift curtain, where they were presumably prodding her.

Lightning considered. "Not really," she answered.

"Does this hurt?"

"No."

"We're making the first incision," Dr. Bhakti announced.

"To clarify, no, I'm not mad," Hope said.

She exhaled sharply, her eyes slipping closed. "Thanks."

"I love you, Light," he said.

"Love you, too." After a moment, she opened her eyes again. "We aren't calling him Hope Jr., are we?"

He gave a quiet laugh. "Do you want to?"

"No, not particularly."

"What did you have in mind?"

"I didn't, honestly."

"Well, if you didn't have any ideas…" His gloved fingertips brushed her cheek. "I was wondering if we could call him Bartholomew. After my dad."

"That's a mouthful for a kid," Lightning mumbled, wincing slightly.

Hope glanced up at the curtain, but he could only just see the shadows of the doctors working. "Is that hurting you?" he asked in alarm.

"No," she replied. "It's weird. I can _feel _them rummaging around in my uterus, but it doesn't hurt or anything." She gave him a wry smile.

"Okay. Just making sure." He gave her hand another squeeze. "Is that a no, then?"

"For the name?" Lightning closed her eyes again. "Nah. We can name him that. I got nothing."

"Thanks."

"Congratulations," Dr. Bhakti said, peering around the curtain. "You two are parents."

"What?" Lightning lifted her head. "Can I see him?"

"Why isn't he crying?" Hope demanded.

"At two months early, his lungs aren't as developed. It's common for premature babies not to cry - " A small wail interrupted her, and she turned back behind the curtain again. Hope's heart leapt.

"Feisty little bugger," the other obstetrician remarked with a laugh, as the wail persisted. "Let's see…four pounds. Not bad."

Another nurse chortled. "If you'd carried him to term, you would've been in for a rough delivery," she said to Lightning. "He was gonna be a big boy."

"Let me see," Lightning insisted, trying to prop herself up on her elbows and failing.

"Come here," Dr. Bhakti beckoned to Hope, and he walked behind the curtain, almost dazed. On another table, a small pink figure wriggled, still keeping up with his persistent little cry as a nurse pulled a cap over his tiny head. His red face seemed almost comically disgruntled as his limbs cycled vigorously in the air, covered in a thin layer of downy hair.

"That's my son?" Hope breathed.

"It is," said the other obstetrician as he looped an oxygen tube around the baby's face; again, he gave a displeasured wail. "And he's a little fighter, for sure."

"Like his mom." Hope reached for him, brushing a tentative finger against the tiny hand. With a peeved noise, his son grasped at it with his own tiny digits. Hope's breath caught in his throat.

"Hope," Lightning called. "Let me see."

"Can I?" Hope asked the doctor.

"For a moment. We do need to take him to the LNU. He seems strong enough, but he his considerably premature, and he won't be able to feed on his own yet," the obstetrician said, but he was smiling as he pulled out enough of the tubing so Hope would have enough slack to bring the baby to the operating table. Carefully, he picked up his son and brought him over to his mother.

Lightning strained to see; when she did, her exhausted eyes lit up. "Oh," she whispered.

Hope knelt beside her head, holding the wriggling bundle to her face. She dropped a kiss on her son's head, and he gave another yelp, grasping at her cheek.

"He's perfect," she said.

"Yes," Hope agreed. "He is."

_**...**_

Noel pushed open the door that led out of the L&D waiting room, glancing up and down the hall. There was no sign of anyone; at this hour, there would be no visitors. "Snow?" he called experimentally, but there was no answer. With a grumble, he walked down the barren hallway to the exit doors. He caught sight of his reflection in the door's window. He looked as awful as he felt, his eyes creased with exhaustion and worry, and a dark bruise was forming along his jaw. Bundling his sweatshirt about him, he went outside.

He was treated to an icy blast of wind, whipping his hair around his face almost painfully. The snow had built up considerably in the last few hours, though it was still under a foot. The snow swirled in the gust, stinging and melting upon his cheeks. A few feet away, Snow was hunched under the covered walkway, cupping his hand around a cigarette as he lit it.

"Hey," Noel said. "Snow." At his words, Snow's head snapped up and he glared at him with nothing less than hatred. "I wanted to apologize."

The taller man snorted. "Apologize." He took a long drag off his cigarette and tossed it into a nearby snowdrift. "For what?"

Noel shoved his hands into the pouch of his sweatshirt and looked away. "I…I didn't mean to upset you. Tensions running high, and…" He trailed off as he looked back at snow, who was hugging himself against the wind.

"Is it true?" he asked.

Noel thought about lying; the "no" hovered at the tip of his tongue. Take away the pointless hurt, why not? It was already a bad night._ Why did I say that? _Because somewhere, deep down, he resented that Snow had wound up with the first girl he'd ever loved? That he wanted him to hurt as he himself had?

But of course Snow had already hurt. He lost his wife.

Under his breath, he muttered, "I'm an _idiot_." Among other things, "asshole" being pretty far up there.

"What?"

"Yes," Noel said with a sigh. "It is true." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. If Serah had wanted you to know, she would've told you. It wasn't my place, and I…I'm really sorry."

"It's okay," Snow said dully. "What does it matter anymore? Serah is dead. And maybe Lightning too." He stared up at the building behind them. "What a coincidence, eh?"

"Or history being doomed to repeat itself," Noel said cynically.

"Yeah, maybe. Or maybe shitty things just happen for no goddamn reason." Snow pulled his coat tighter around him. "That's what I think. That's what I _know_. And there isn't anything you can do to stop it. No matter how much you love someone, you can't save them. Sometimes they can't even save themselves. Like a car wreck, boom," he punched his hand for emphasis, "happens outta nowhere, and you're left to pick up the pieces alone."

Noel looked away. "I guess so," he said.

"So what's your story with Lightning?" Snow asked.

He shrugged. "Nothing, I guess. I met her…I guess, about four or five months ago. We became friends." He smiled slightly. "I was giving her a ticket for speeding, and she threw up on my shoes. Or near enough."

Snow returned the smile. "I can't picture that, I guess. She's always so…well, reserved. Like the kind of person who would just swallow it instead of letting it happen. She was always so different from Serah."

"Not so much," Noel said, "when you get to know her. Or rather, when she opens up."

"Yeah, well, she never liked me much."

Rubbing his bruised jaw, Noel said wryly, "I can't imagine why not."

Snow snorted. "I don't feel bad for that, so don't even bother."

"Personally, I'm just grateful you didn't knock a tooth loose."

"Even if I had, you would've deserved it."

They stood in silence for a few minutes, huddled beneath the covered walkway as the wind continued to howl around them. Noel shoved his hands into the opposite sleeves and rubbed his arms, trying to warm up. In retrospect, he should've wore something warmer, but there hadn't been time…

"Do you like her?" Snow asked.

Noel turned back to him. "Of course."

"I mean…" Snow gestured vaguely. "_Like_ her. Or do you just…do you see Serah in her?"

Not for the first time, Noel had to wonder. He looked away, past the gathering snow drifts, the barren parking lot, the dark, muted sky. He bit at his chapped lower lip, the skin peeling away between his teeth. His mouth still had traces of the coppery taste of blood, though his cheek had stopped bleeding awhile ago.

"Honestly?" he said. "At this point…the lines are so blurred. But it would be ridiculous to pine after something that happened almost ten years ago, wouldn't it?"

Snow straightened. "When bad shit happens, it never seems like it's that long ago."

"Maybe," Noel said. "Maybe not. I don't know. I look at her and I see…a future that I want and can't have. But is it because of what happened to Serah, or is it because Lightning's already taken?" He shook his head. His hair was starting to become damp from the snowfall, the wet strands clinging to his face.

"You have issues, man," Snow remarked.

In spite of himself, Noel laughed. "I guess so. But whatever's going on in my head, the one thing I am absolutely certain of is that I love her son. I…I would play music for him, and he'd start kicking in her stomach." He swallowed hard. "I couldn't bear it if something happened."

Snow hiked a thumb towards the doors. "Well, if they'll let me in, we should see if there's news."

They both went back inside. The sudden warmth of the hospital was almost painful as Noel's fingers and toes began thawing out. Halfway down the hall, he saw Hope's silver head pop out of the L&D waiting room.

"Hey!" he called to them. "I was wondering where you went. Or rather you, Noel."

Noel half-ran down the hallway. "What's up?" he asked breathlessly, his eyes searching Hope's face. "Is she…? Is the baby…"

"Both fine," Hope said, his green eyes bright. "Both perfect. Everything's going to be okay."


	13. Chapter 13

_For everything that could have been_

_At least we took the ride_

_There's no relief in bitterness_

_Might as well let it die._

**-Pendulum, **_**Encoder**_

**Chapter Thirteen**

Bartholomew was perfect.

Even when he'd still been in the hospital, a squirming pink form lying in the incubator, various wires and tubes attached to him as he wriggled and squalled between naps, he had been perfect. And six weeks later, as she stared down at him as he slept in the crib at home, he was still perfect.

Lightning hadn't known she could feel so much love for something. Looking at him, seeing so much of Hope's features in his tiny round face, from the bright green eyes to the silvery wisps of hair that had started sprouting on his scalp, she felt like her heart was full to bursting. She thought that the feeling would wear off, but it only seemed to grow every day, every minute, every _second. _

The long, agonizing weeks that he spent in the hospital, the frustration of trying to pump out even a few drops of breast milk that was so vital for him (though now she was having the opposite problem, she had ruined a fair number of shirts from leakage at this point), the sleepless nights as she stared at her alarm clock, waiting for it to be morning so she could see her son again, the pain and healing process from the C-section, the _ungodly _amount of crying she had done in Hope's arms - it was all worth it, just to have Bartholomew home.

She dropped her hand into the crib, her fingertip just touching his palm. With a toothless yawn, he seized her finger and stuck it in his mouth. Finding no milk, he crumpled up his face, and Lightning braced herself for the ensuing cry…but he simply fell asleep again.

Perfect.

She reluctantly left the nursery, leaving the door open a crack, and went into the living room. The TV was on, the volume turned down to a low drone, and Hope was asleep on the couch, hands tucked under his arms, lips parted. She smiled, leaned over the back, and reached down to brush his hair out of his face; he stirred, blinking up at her, his eyes bigger versions of their sons.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey."

He sat up and stretched, his spine cracking. "That sounds like it felt good," Lightning remarked.

"It did. Come here."

She walked around the back of the couch and sat beside him, head on his shoulder. He pressed his lips to the side of her head.

"How's Bartholomew?"

"Perfect."

Hope smiled against her hair. "As always."

"I feel like the past month has been a dream," Lightning said. "And now you're starting your job tomorrow…" She frowned. "I guess I have to go back to work soon too."

"Don't," Hope said.

She lifted her head to look at him. "Why?"

"Because." He pushed her bangs out of her eyes. "Because you've been through a lot, and you need a break for once. _We've_ been through a lot. And I'll feel better knowing you're here at home with our son, instead of hiring some strange person to take care of him for us."

"But…"

He put a finger to her lips. "No buts. I have a lot of money saved up from what Snow went back and sold of my stuff. My new job will be enough to support us as a family. So please, just stay at home with him. Not forever, I know you wouldn't like that. I don't expect you to be a trophy wife. But for a little while. Okay?"

"Okay," she acquiesced. "Six months."

"A year," Hope argued.

"A_ year_?"

"Besides," he said with a lopsided smile, "I know you can't get into too much trouble here."

"Maybe," she said. "You know me. I always find a way."

"Hey…it's been six weeks," Hope murmured, nuzzling her neck. "So, the doctor said…"

Lightning smiled. "Hmm?"

"I think we should go to bed," he said in a low voice.

"You sure about that?" Lightning asked. "I'm still sporting postpartum flab." And a myriad of stretch marks, as well as a new vertical scar that bisected her abdomen. Emergency C-sections did not receive the luxury of a "bikini cut", as it turned out.

He kissed her lips then, long and deep, his hands going under her shirt and up her stomach. "I made love to you before you were pregnant, while you were pregnant, and I'm going to keep doing it after, too," he murmured against her mouth.

"Remember what happens," Lighting said, looking pointedly at their son's bedroom door.

"It's okay," Hope said. "Turns out they make these nifty things that prevent those things from happening..."

Lightning got to her feet, grabbed Hope's hand, and pulled him into their bedroom.

It was sweet, as it always was.

Hope kissed down her soft belly, tracing the striations in her skin with lips and tongue, lower and lower. "I love these," he murmured, before going between her legs and leaving her too breathless to respond.

After, they lay tangled in the bedsheets and each other, Hope's head nestled in the base of Lightning's throat. She ran her finger through his hair idly, inspecting the silver strands in the moonlight.

"I think Bartholomew really is going to be a Hope Jr.," she said.

"No way. He looks just like you."

"Have you seen your son lately? Even his hair is coming in your color."

"It's lighter. I think it's gonna change to look more like yours. And anyway, he has your features."

"He has your nose."

"He has _your _lips."

"How about we just agree he looks a little bit like both of us."

Hope propped himself up on his elbow, resting his head on his hand. "How about I'm pretty sure you don't actually believe that."

Lightning rolled her eyes and pulled the bedcovers over her chest. "Whatever."

"Hey." He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"I have never been happier in my life than I am right now," he said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

She smiled. "Me too."

He leaned down to kiss her on the lips, but froze as their son began crying in the other room. He gave her a quick peck, then bounded out of bed. "I'll grab him."

She watched him pull a pair of sweatpants over his hips. "Love you," she said.

"Love you too," he called back as he left the room.

_**…**_

Noel stood outside of Lightning's apartment, hands shoved in his pockets. He had done this every day for, oh, the last week or so. Between work and the fact that she had practically lived at the hospital since Bartholomew was born, there had simply been no time to talk other than the odd, impersonal text. But they needed to, for sure.

Exhaling, he finally knocked on the door.

He could hear someone moving inside, footsteps getting closer to the door. He aimed a winning smile at the peep hole and heard Lightning's soft laugh, and he relaxed a little. Better her than Hope. They were still on awkward terms, though not bad ones.

Lightning opened the door, folding her arms gingerly under her breasts. He couldn't help but notice that she looked great. Even in a loose black t-shirt that hung off her shoulder and shorts, she looked good.

"Hey, stranger," she said.

"Hey, yourself."

She stepped back, allowing him inside. "I would've thought you had died if I didn't see your car in the parking lot."

Noel rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry about that. You've been busy, I've been…"

"I know," she said, her face softening. "It's been crazy."

"How's Bartholomew?" he asked. "Can I see him?"

Her lips twitched into a smile. "Of course. I just put him down for a nap, but come see." She reached out and grasped his fingers, leading him into the nursery.

The baby was asleep on his stomach, half of his tiny, pudgy fingers stuck in his mouth. His back moved up and down with his breathing. Noel smiled. "He looks great," he murmured. "The picture of health."

"Yeah," Lightning whispered. "I feel like I could never get tired of watching him. Even though he doesn't do anything terribly interesting. Sleeping and eating. He doesn't even cry that much."

Noel chuckled. "Not yet, anyway. Sounds like the life. He looks just like you."

Lightning wrinkled her nose. "You think? I think he looks more like his dad."

"Yep."

She put her hands on her hips with a sigh. "Whatever."

Noel turned to her. "So, uh…"

"We can talk in the living room."

They sat opposite of each other, her on the couch, him in an armchair. "I'm glad you came," Lightning said before he could open his mouth. "I feel like we need some…closure."

"Yeah, we do." Noel rubbed his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said. "For everything. Especially for the stuff that was said right before Bartholomew was born. It was wrong. I didn't mean to toy with your heart or feelings or…whatever. You know. But it was wrong. I've been beating myself up about it for weeks now - "

"Wait," Noel interrupted. "_You're_ sorry?"

She gave him a weird look. "Of course I am."

He shook his head. "Look. You have nothing to be sorry for. The arguments we had, all the shit I did and said - I should be the sorry one. And I am. I didn't mean to try and come between you and Hope, or try to take over your life or your son's life. I just…I was really emotionally invested, and not all for the right reasons. I can't honestly say that a lot of my infatuation for you and your son, at least in the beginning, wasn't partially because of my feelings for your sister. Finding out she was dead…" he let out a shuddering breath. "It hit me hard. And knowing that you were pregnant, too, I don't know. All those old feelings came back. I felt like I had a duty to you."

"I knew all that," Lightning said.

"You did?"

"Of course I did," she said, exasperated. "I'm not an idiot. I understand all that, Noel. And I don't blame you for it. I took advantage of your feelings, though. I just…I was scared."

"I know you were, Lightning. It's okay." He smiled. "Why don't we both agree we did some fucked up shit to each other that we're sorry about?"

She smiled back. "Fair enough. I missed you, you know."

"Me too," Noel said honestly. "If it's okay, I'd…you know. Like to be in his life." He tilted his head in the direction of the nursery.

"Of course it's okay," she said. "Besides, he needs an uncle who _isn't_ a total moron. And speaking of Snow…"

Noel sighed. "In case you were wondering, yes, I did say that shit to Snow, and yes, he did pretty much knock me out."

"Good," she said simply. "I hope it hurt."

"Like a bitch," Noel said, rubbing his jaw.

"Why did you do that?"

"Because I'm a total dick."

Lightning laughed. "Sometimes, yes."

"I dunno, really. I was scared and worried and freaking out, and I just…lashed out, I guess."

"He never needed to know that stuff, Noel."

"I know that. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. And I'm sorry for that, too. If I could rewind time and change how I behaved for the entirety of those twenty-four hours, I would."

"It's okay." Lightning stood up and held out her hand. "Friends?"

He took it. "Of course."

She pulled him into a hug. "Then welcome back, Uncle Noel."

He relaxed in her arms, dropping his head against her shoulder.

**_..._**

_She saw Serah again, the night before her wedding. _

_"I'm not dead, right?" Lightning asked from where she rested her head in Serah's lap. _

_Serah laughed. "No," she said. "But I wish I could be there to see you off tomorrow. Since I can't…" She flicked her older sister's forehead. _

_"So is there some kind of heaven that you're sending me messages from?" Lightning asked. "When I die for real, am I going to be with you again?"_

_"Maybe," Serah said with a patient smile. "Maybe not. But that's not something you should be worrying about tonight. You're a mom now, and soon a wife. A new chapter of your life is beginning."_

_Lightning shrugged one shoulder. "So? A new chapter doesn't mean anything. I've had quite a few crappy chapters. They were all new, once."_

_"It can mean something. And does. It's whatever you make of it." She poked Lightning in the head again. "You're happy now, aren't you? You never were before."_

_Lightning closed her eyes. "Yeah," she said. "I guess you're right."_

_**…**_

Hope had never thought that there could be a sight as beautiful than seeing his son for the first time.

Seeing Lightning on their wedding day - well, it was up there.

She wore a simple white dress, the gauzy material swirling around her bare legs like sea foam as she approached him from across the beach, arm in arm with Noel. On her hip, eight month old Bartholomew was laughing and grabbing at her hair where it curled over her shoulder, his green eyes alight. His own hair had lightened to a silvery pink, falling in wisps around his chubby face. She had managed to affix a small bow tie to his shirt, and by some miracle he hadn't yanked it off and tried to eat it.

"Little man!" Snow exclaimed from where he stood behind Hope.

Noel let go of Lightning's arm as they walked up, and Lightning handed the baby off to him. Bartholomew made a small protesting sound, ready to bawl, before realizing it was Noel who was holding him - Noel, with his abundance of hair to grab, was a terrific plaything to him.

"Don't cry," Lightning warned Hope.

"I'm not," Hope said, though his eyes were welling up.

"Don't. You'll get me started."

It was a short and sweet affair, just as they wanted it.

Hope knew, as his lips met Lightning's, that some things were forever.

_End._


End file.
